Tag Archives: relapse

#SoCS

#SoCS 9/19/20 – Celebration

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Linda has given us the prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday of “-tion.”

Reverberation on CONGRATULATIONS are in order for me because I turned 54 on Monday 9/14 and I did it SOBER!! As many of you know Between February 14, 2014 and September 14, 2016, the day I turned 50, I had 2 1/2 years of sobriety and then the alcoholic in my sabotaged me and I hit every haunt and did everything and more the old alcoholic used to do. This in turn became a three day binge which became a major depression and being off of work for a few weeks. I have had a lot of issues with relapse and recovery since that time however today it 8 months and 15 days SOBER.

You have read on my blog before about my epiphany a few months ago, I love doing service, in fact I truly believe that in 2016 when I turned 50, the whole reasoning behind my major relapse and then continuing to have issues with relapse and recovery – was because I had gotten mad at folks in my home group the Goliad Group and my online group – and I quit doing any type of service.

You see, I always say, I cannot keep what I do not give away freely!!!!!! That is a true statement if I am doing some sort of service for my fellow alcoholics then I cannot keep my sobriety. Today I chair meetings at my face to face home group and in my online home group. I share in every meeting that I can, because I never know who I will touch with my words of experience, strength and hope.

Reverberation of CONGRATULATIONS also are in order for my home group the Goliad Group which had their first Alcoholics anonymous meeting on September 13, 1964 and today we will be having our 56th Anniversary BBQ CELEBRATION with a speaker who has 24 years of sobriety at 6:15PM. If you are in San Antonio and would like to join us – we will be serving at 4:30PM. There is a suggested $5 donation as well. We are at 537 Avondale, San Antonio 78223 and you can call us at (210) 534-3937 any time if you need to know when we have meetings etc.

I am proud to be SOBER JUST FOR TODAY!!! That’s what’s in My Rattled Cage, thanks for stopping by!

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Happy Mother’s Day!!! – 5/10/20

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HappyMothersDay20

Today I write this post from my birthplace, Lamar, Missouri. I drove up yesterday so that I could lay flowers at my mother’s grave who passed 22 years ago today on May 10, 1998 which just so happened to be Mother’s Day.

This trip was one I needed to take because I have never been at my mother’s grave alone and so I have never had the chance to have a long conversation with her and tell her that I no longer blame her for all the things that happened to me as I was growing up nor for the choices that I have made as an adult. I have always held resentments towards her and my father because they did not know how to raise or handle a boy. I used to think they never wanted a boy.  I now truly believe my parents did the best they could with who they were and what they had.

I currently have a sobriety date of January 4, 2020. I can say that I see a definite change in my attitudes towards my resentments towards my parents, even my resentments towards myself in regards to my struggles with relapses and journeys into recovery from alcoholism and addiction to cocaine. While yes I do have the genetic gene I believe for alcoholism and other addictive behaviors, I am at a point now where I have turned everything over to my Higher Power whom I choose to call God. I am already beginning to see differences in my mental attitudes and my spirituality is just growing even stronger.

As long as I remember daily that I cannot drink like other people and I cannot pick up that first drink ever, then I will also remember that recovery is a JUST FOR TODAY program. I only have to live my life in recovery ONE DAY AT A TIME!! So, I have let go and I am letting God guide me for His will to be done daily and not my own. I am seeing those 9th Step Promises coming true!!

That’s what’s in My Rattled Cage, thanks for stopping by!!

#SoCS

A Late #SoCS – Directions

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socs-badge-2019-2020

I am running late this week on my #SoCS, but here I am. So Linda gave us the prompt of “directions”.  So I looked at a frozen dinner in my freezer and one of those Yakisoba soups and their directions started with peel back the corner to vent contents.

Peeling back the corner of the box is kind of like peeling back that first layer of an onion. This reminds me of a classic line from Mike Meyers as Shrek to Eddie Murphy as Donkey in the family movie Shrek. “Ogre’s are like onions!”

For me this particular time of recovery from my problems with alcoholism and addiction to cocaine addiction is a reminder that those of us in recovery that are really taking their program seriously are not ogres but they are definitely like onions. As people in recovery we are slowly peeling back those layers until we get to the very core of what we are and why we are alcoholics and addicts. You see as I am moving through my recovery, I am doing things differently. I am beginning to see those 9th Step Promises coming true and I am not even a third of the way through the simple program that is suggested.

Tomorrow I will have four months in recovery and I am truly blessed to have a great sponsor who refuses to let me rest on my laurels. Right now there are no face to face meetings but I am still able to attend meetings with my online home group Global Steps Alcoholics Anonymous that happens to meet in the our church In The Rooms an online recovery place which has so many other recovery program meetings for any addiction that you can imagine. I am working my steps and I am about to embark on my 4thStep which will demand true rigorous honesty on my part.

On my 90th day of recovery I purchased a brand new 2020 Mitsubishi Mirage. I would have never imagined that I would own a brand-new car. I am working a job that pays $10.50 an hour and yet I have no fear of economic insecurity. I am feeling a mental peace that I have never know even during my previous 2 1/2 years of sobriety between February 2014 and September 14th, 2016 when I turned 50 and unfortunately threw that sobriety away and have been struggling through relapses and recoveries over and over again.

In December 2019 my husband of almost 19 years at the time had open heart surgery and I did not handle it well at all. In fact, I wedged his truck in concrete barrier on Christmas Eve when I went out and got drunk – luckily, I was able to have it winched out and I drove it home. But that wasn’t enough. On New Year’s Eve I had no intention of drinking let alone getting drunk because I had to open the Dollar General that I worked at 7AM. Well I did get drunk, did not open the store and then proceeded on a bender due to the shame and remorse. On January second, I returned the keys to the store and as I was leaving, I did wreck my husband’s truck and damaged the right headlight and hood area. Again, going into another bender until the night of January 3rd when I had my last drink.

Next weekend I will be taking a rite of passage and taking a road trip in my brand-new car to Lamar, Missouri where I was born and spent summers and Christmases with my grandparents who are long gone. Sunday is May 10th, and in Mexico every and every so many years including this year is Mother’s Day. I will be going to have a conversation with my mother at her graveside as she passed on Mother’s Day May 10th 1998. But I will also be seeing my grandmothers and grandfathers, my brother and other relatives that have passed over the years. This trip I anticipate will be very cathartic and yes I NEED TO TAKE THIS TRIP, even during this troubling time in America I cannot allow my fears of another health issue to stand in my way of taking down a demon that has been such a huge part of my multiple journeys into relapsing and recovery.

This time I know that if I pick up one drink, I might as well just die because I do have another relapse in me that would be the most horrible of them all, BUT I DO NOT HAVE ANOTHER RECOVERY IN ME!!!!

That’s what’s in My Rattled Cage, thanks for stopping by!!!!

 

 

#AtoZChallenge

#AtoZChallenge2020 – An “R” Four Fer

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R2020

We have the letter “R” today for the #AtoZChallenge2020. As I am moving through my Apple Music playlist, I find that I have almost 50 songs that start with “R”. So today I am going to have a “R” Four Fer. Each of these holds a definite place in my heart because of their messages and the way they have touched me throughout my many battles through relapse and recovery.

I have chosen Jordan Feliz’s The River because whenever I am in a weird space I will head to the San Antonio River,  which I live very close to the Mission Reach of the river, with my four legged babies and we will get in and I can sit and just pray and I always feel at peace. I have also chosen two songs by Jeremy Camp Revive Me and Restored. Revive Me is a song that reminds that every day I can ask my Higher Power whom I choose to call God to revive me of my serenity and to help stay clean and sober on a daily basis. Restored is a reminder that asking God to revive me I can feel that wonderful spirit of serenity and know that all will be well in the world.

The final song in the four fer is Lauren Daigle’s  Remember is a constant reminder that my God has always been faithful to me even when I thought he had left my side!!! You can find the lyrics by clicking on the song title. That’s what’s in  My Rattled Cage, thanks for stopping by.

Uncategorized

#FOWC – Beware

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Be·ware: /bəˈwer/
verb

Of course we have to have a little bit of heaven in this post too!! We sure do love our four-legged babies!! We have always been blessed with absolutely gorgeous pups!!

 

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Crissy, Stitchy, Sadie, Zailey and Little Bitty!!!

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Zailey, Sadie and Stitchy
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Very Late #SoCS February 2, 2019 – Affirm

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Disclaimer, this last weekend my niece and her daughter were in town for ther Southern Region Cheer Power Nationals for which my great niece’s team won in three categories including Grand Champion for their division!! 

Merriam-Webster definesAFFIRM as:

  1. a: Validate, confirm or b: to state positively
  2. to assert (something, such as a judgement or devree) as valid or confirmed
  3. to show or express a strong belief in or dedication to (something, such as an important idea)

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One of the easiest but hardest things to do in recovery from alcoholism and addiction to anything is to affirm the positive aspects of who you are. Especially if you have gone into a deep relapse and are back to your old ways. When we are in relapse, we often find that there are no aspects of our lives that are worthy to affirm.

I must disagree with my statement above because the flip side of that is that when we are in relapse, we tend to focus on what we believe are the aspects of who and what we are that is worthy to affirm as a method of denial and rationalization. I was the worst. I would tell my husband yes, I am drinking but I take excellent care of the four-legged babies. They want for nothing. I still attend daily mass and I still am very empathetic to others and show my love and concern. Look, I am still taking care of the four yards that I take care of, so I must not be all that bad. Look how much I do for your mother, I do more for her than even you and her own kids do for her. For the most part, that is a very true statement even now almost 18 years later, whether clean and sober or if I have been in the middle of a relapse!!

Isn’t it so much more gratifying to be able to affirm who we are and what we believe in when we are doing the work for our recovery? For me I am proud to affirm that I am a God Fearing Catholic who truly enjoys attending daily mass and especially our Sunday 8AM mass at St. Cecilia Catholic Church in San Antonio, Texas. For one thing my church is directly across the street from our house and I have been a member of this parish for almost 18 years and proud of that. Along with lectoring, I affirm that I love being a part of the 8AM Sunday choir because I truly enjoy singing. Don’t laugh but my four legged children come running to me when I sing at home, especially when I sing Mercy Me’s “I Can Only Imagine”.

I am blessed to affirm that from what I have been told by my Priest Father Edvin and many in our parish that I have a true gift for Lectoring and that I deliver the word of God in a very charismatic and powerful way. I can also affirm that Father Edvin has said multiple times that I do not just read the word of God, but I teach, and I don’t even know that I am teaching.

I affirm that I am an excellent chef and I am known in my little neighborhood for my soups during the winter, my casseroles, meatloaf and mashed potatoes, my pork chops steamed in Dr. Pepper and so many other dishes. I can affirm this because I love to share my food with my neighbors and until recently for 18 years, I have been able to share my cooking with the Sisters of The Holy Spirit that were residing in the St. Cecilia Convent. They moved to another Convent at St. Philip of Jesus about 5 minutes from my house and so I will still be able to share my cooking with them, like I did yesterday because I had made a huge batch of spaghetti and meat sauce.

I also can affirm that my favorite quote from “The Help” by Kathryn Stockett is very true of me whether I am in recovery as I am currently working on my first 30 days in a long time, or if I am in the middle of a horrible relapse – 

“You is kind. You is smart. You is important.”

Just for today, I will remain CLEAN AND SOBER!!!!!

That’s what’s in “My Rattled Cage”, thanks for stopping by!!

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The Friday Reminder and Prompt for #SoCS Feb. 2/19