Tag Archives: Just For Today

Late SoCS 8/22/20 -“Brush It Off”

Linda gave us the prompt of “brush” for this weeks #SoCS.

How is it that people do not and cannot follow traffic situations. On my main thoroughfare S. Presa St. there has been some utility work being done and the left hand side of the street is closed down with detour signs everywhere.

I drive this street everyday and I kid you not, every single time at least one driver decides to go around the barricade and drive on the wrong side of the street and then proceed to get mad when they almost hit me. Luckily, with my brand new car, I drive with so much more attention being paid to my surroundings and the other drivers that can often be idiots.

This brush with accidents daily would make you think well, why don’t you go a different way. I don’t drive a different way because I know that that side of the street is blocked and that a good driver will pay attention to the detour and not continue to give others a brush with accidents.

This kind of reminds me of the 3 1/2 years of my struggle with returning to my recovery from alcoholism and addiction to cocaine. Every time that I decided during this time to pick up a drink and not knowing when to stop I was bringing myself ever closer to that brush with not ever coming back. Some days there were even brushes with death and yet I just could not pick myself up and BRUSH all that crap off.

Today I have over 7 1/2 months of recovery and everyday I get up and I brush that negative crap out of my head and brush what litlle hair I have and I get on with my day and I do the most important thing.

I don’t pick up a drink – JUST FOR TODAY!!!! Let’s all get up and brush the crap away!!

That’s what’s in My Rattled Cage, thanks for stopping by!

Very Late #SoCS 6/13/20 – Nail

I apologize for posting this entry for #SoCS for 6/13/20, for which Linda provided the prompt of NAIL on Wednesday 6/17/20, however I have been wanting to write this post but I just did not have a chance to do so until now. A lot happened in the last week that has definitely been a great thing. Since losing my job on May 28th I have been utilizing every job site and even stepped out of my box and applied at 7-11 and Circle K.

Long story short I applied to a local 7-11 franchise store and the owner texted me on Wednesday 6/10 and asked me to come in. I went in on Thursday morning 6/11, they spoke to me for five minutes and then handed me a new hire packet which I brought home and filled out. I returned the packet a little later that morning and that afternoon, I was the schedule for Friday from 8 AM – 4 PM. I did my first day of training on Friday and then Friday I was asked to go in for my normal graveyard shift because someone had called in, and I did. I am adjusting to the new work schedule as well as new sleep schedule while still maintaining my normal activities to ensure I do not allow the proverbial nail of drinking to creep into my mind.

As I often write about the fact that I am and will always be an alcoholic. My being an alcoholic is not the nail in my framework or the proverbial coffin. That nail becomes real if I ever begin to think that I have this disease licked or if I ever determine that I drink like a normal person. If I ever pick up that first drink I will truly be putting that nail into my coffin because, while I may have another drunken bender in me – I do not have another recovery in me and I do I believe that the disease of alcohol will kill me before the HIV/AIDS that I have thriving with, not just surviving with for 23 years or anything else that is within my control.

As long as I am doing the right things – talking to my sponsor, attending both face to face with the Goliad Group or the LAMBDA Group here in San Antonio and online meetings of Global Steps Alcoholics Anonymous on In The Rooms, doing service in those groups by chairing meetings – greeting in meetings – and sharing in meetings, continuing in my Catholic faith and asking my Higher Power whom I choose to call God to help me each day JUST FOR TODAY to help keep me sober and to do HIS WILL and not my own, and thanking my Higher Power at the end of the day for doing so – then I will be able to ensure that the proverbial NAIL of alcoholism and taking that first drink will not come.

So today “No Matter What It Takes” I will do it to ensure that I do not put that proverbial NAIL in any aspect of my life. Please enjoy this lyric video of Jeremy Camp’s No Matter What It Takes.

That’s what’s in My Rattled Cage, thanks for stopping by!!

Happy Mother’s Day!!! – 5/10/20


Today I write this post from my birthplace, Lamar, Missouri. I drove up yesterday so that I could lay flowers at my mother’s grave who passed 22 years ago today on May 10, 1998 which just so happened to be Mother’s Day.

This trip was one I needed to take because I have never been at my mother’s grave alone and so I have never had the chance to have a long conversation with her and tell her that I no longer blame her for all the things that happened to me as I was growing up nor for the choices that I have made as an adult. I have always held resentments towards her and my father because they did not know how to raise or handle a boy. I used to think they never wanted a boy.  I now truly believe my parents did the best they could with who they were and what they had.

I currently have a sobriety date of January 4, 2020. I can say that I see a definite change in my attitudes towards my resentments towards my parents, even my resentments towards myself in regards to my struggles with relapses and journeys into recovery from alcoholism and addiction to cocaine. While yes I do have the genetic gene I believe for alcoholism and other addictive behaviors, I am at a point now where I have turned everything over to my Higher Power whom I choose to call God. I am already beginning to see differences in my mental attitudes and my spirituality is just growing even stronger.

As long as I remember daily that I cannot drink like other people and I cannot pick up that first drink ever, then I will also remember that recovery is a JUST FOR TODAY program. I only have to live my life in recovery ONE DAY AT A TIME!! So, I have let go and I am letting God guide me for His will to be done daily and not my own. I am seeing those 9th Step Promises coming true!!

That’s what’s in My Rattled Cage, thanks for stopping by!!

#SoCS & #FOWC 3/2/19 – Celerity and the Case for it!!!

Image result for making a caseRelated image

Throughout every one of my chronic relapses my husband, family and friends often tried to make the case  for why I needed to make changes in my live with celerity and to quit dinking and other things if that were the case.

It was not until I decided in the same spirit of celerity that I made the case for me to return to recovery from alcoholism and addiction that I decided again, once and for all to return to face to face meetings and my online video meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous with In The Rooms and Global Steps AA along with getting back to a daily routine of activities that keeps me busy and reminds me that I do not need to drink just for today!!

I know that every day that I do not drink or otherwise is a miracle and I thank God everyday for waking me up. I ask him to help me to remain clean and sober just for the day. At the end of the day I tell him thank you for his assistance in the day!!

Just for today, I will remain clean and sober!!!!

That’s what’s in “My Rattled Cage”, thanks for stopping by!!

socs-badge-2017-18-e1503097084778       fowc

This post is part of #SoCS and #FOWC for 3/2/19!!

The Daily Post – Lecture


This post is part of The Daily Post – 2/13/2018.


As a recovering alcoholic and cocaine addict I cannot tell you how many times I heard the lecture from my husband,  family, friends, my infectious diseases physician and mental health professionals about my needing to quit.

My husband’s lecture was always the normal ultimatum and threat of kicking me out of our house or sending me to jail.

My family and friend’s lecture was always about how I have so much to live for and all the things I would miss if I were to die of an overdose or alcohol poisoning.

My physician and mental health professional’s lecture was always about, you guessed it, how the alcohol abuse and cocaine abuse were affecting my physical and mental health. Along with this was the added reminder about how my alcoholism and cocaine addiction were going to take their toll on my HIV/AIDS viral load and T-Cell count. Which for all the abuse my body has taken just in the last 6 years, I am still non-detectable and my T-Cells are still above 700 – so I have been extremely lucky!

Do you ever lecture yourself? I bet you do, either aloud or silently. For me, my lecture to myself this time around was the best lecture of them all. You see I am a very faithful Catholic who truly believes that I have the best life coaches in my corner in the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. While yes my faith has faltered at times, I always find my way back.

The most important thing that I can share in regards to recovery of any addiction is this. The individual entering into recovery can not be doing it for the wrong reasons – even though they may seem like the right reasons. For instance, we cannot enter recovery to please our family, friends, physicians, or our mental health professionals. We cannot enter recovery because of what we are afraid of losing. We must, as I did for the second time in 4 years, determine that we are “tired of being sick and tired of being sick and tired”.  Then we must take the ever painstaking steps to work on our recovery. I am a proud member of Alcoholics Anonymous  as well as being a member of Global Steps AA a video AA meeting group on the hosting site In The Rooms. These groups and programs continue to guide me through my continued recovery – because I want them to.

Four years ago today I began my first journey through recovery because of every single reason above six months after losing my job that I loved with the University Career Center at The University of Texas at San Antonio. I loved being clean and sober. My life was coming back together and I even went back to work at my beloved University of Texas at San Antonio with the Institute for P-20 Initiatives. In May 2016 I threw away 2 years and 3 months of being clean and sober because of life. The downward spiral just continued to through the summer. I was still working and loving my job of over one year and then on September 14th, 2016 I turned 50 and I have no idea what happened to cause the hurricane that was a comin. I visited my old haunts and got drunk off my butt and bought a whole mess of cocaine and then I was off to the races. I didn’t return to work until mid October because of continued illnesses being caused by my being off to the races.

The craziness continued and of course I lost my job with the university on February 16, 2017 for a different reason other than my addictions but in essence caused by them. Does that make sense?  I continued to enjoy, as I believed, all the drinking and drugging I was doing. In early April 2017 I attempted suicide by swallowing thirty trazodone pills while drinking heavily and doing coke. The attempt obviously did not work because folks are reading my writings. My Higher Power whom I choose to call God had and has different plans for me that are not meant for me to know.

I do know this, when I attended the ACTS Retreat 11/30 – 12/3 I meditated, I prayed and when it was all said and done I left my alcoholism and cocaine addiction on the Alter of the Tabernacle. This was on Saturday December 2nd. When I came home on Sunday I did walk to my store. I bought two 24 oz. cans of beer and a six pack of O’Doul’s Amber non alcoholic beer. That was the last day that I drank. On  the night of 12/3 I meditated and prayed for guidance and help with remaining clean and sober everyday moving forward. I am so proud and happy to say that the daily obsession and need to drink and or get high have left me. I am currently two months and 10 days clean and sober. I do it by reminding myself that JUST for TODAY I WILL REMAIN CLEAN and SOBER!!!

That is what is in My Rattled Cage today!!!!



Late – #JusJoJan Daily Prompt – January 14th, 2018 – Ultimatum


This post is a late entry for #JusJoJan Daily Prompt – January 14th, 2018 .

Disclaimer – I have spent the last 24 hours in a quick but horrible bout of food poisoning.

As a person who has struggled over the years with my alcoholism and cocaine addiction, I have received many ultimatums from my husband Cruz. The first came in October 2001, not longer after I moved in with him due to losing my apartment etc.,  when he found my cocaine. He stated then it either the cocaine or him! I had been what at that time I would have a NORMAL drinker and he was okay that but not the cocaine.

After that first ultimatum, I did not touch cocaine for 10 years no desire, no obsession no nothing. Then in the summer of 2011, I cannot explain it, but I wanted it and I was getting it. When this vicious cycle began so did the vicious cycle of not being a NORMAL drinker. This went on for 2 1/2 years through the death of my 99 year old grandmother on 11/2/2012 and then the death of my 89 year old grandmother, who was my biggest fan and who spoke to every morning at 7:30AM to have our morning coffee, on 2/11/2013. This long stretch caused me to lose a most fantastic job with my Alma Mater The University of Texas at San Antonio where I had worked for 6 1/2 years moving up in four different departments. I loved that job, I was well known and served on several committees. When I lost this job it was devastating.  This time it was a much stronger ultimatum from Cruz regarding my drinking and drugs and my house, my babies and  him it would all be gone. You would think that would have lit a fire under me and make me want to give up the ghost. It didn’t.

It took me until February 13, 2014 a day before our 13th anniversary to figure it out. Beginning in  August 2013 when I left the university, I continued to apply for positions trying get rehired even though my family and friends said you will never go back. I posted for 46 positions, I had 9 interviews and then on July 1, 2015 I did return with the Institute for P-20 Initiatives. I was so excited to be back, relationships folks in other departments picked up right where they left off. I was good at my job I was in this position until February 2017 when I was allowed to resign. My downfall began when I started drinking again after May 2016 when I came from work and found the fifth dog out of our ten laying dead in the middle of the street, we had already lost four between January and April 2016. It was too much for me.

I continued to drink, not every day up to September 14, 2016 the day that I turned 50. It wasn’t planned, but I sabotaged myself. I went to all of my old haunts got drunk and bought a crap load of cocaine. This started my next downfall and continued until I lost my job at the university again on. In April 2017 I attempted suicide, not planned it just happened, my Higher Power whom I choose to call God had other plans. I still don’t know what they are yet. In the summer, Cruz being the patient man who loves me again gave me the ultimatum, either the drinking and drugs or him. I did not pay attention again and my idiocies continued through November.

Then the greatest thing happened. I attended my first ACTS Retreat. This retreat was the most faith affirming, transformation and life changing event in my life. They say to leave everything at the alter and you will receive God’s blessing. I am a firm believer in this statement. I left my alcoholism, my cocaine addiction and many other health concerns  on the Alter of the Tabernacle at that retreat. Since the retreat the incessant obsession with alcohol and cocaine have been gone, no desire and no thinking about it. This does not mean that I am cured, it just means I need to continue to do the work that needs to be done.

So the current and most important ultimatum is my own ultimatum – do the work, stay CLEAN and SOBER JUST ONE DAY at a TIME or die. I don’t think I have any more stretches in me and frankly I don’t want to find out!!!



Extremely Late SoCS 10/7/17 – Save/Safe

This is an extremely late entry into Linda G. Hill’s SoCS for 10/7/2017.

My disclaimer for my lateness is that on Saturday and Sunday we had volunteers and contractors here from the City of San Antonio Office of Historic Preservation and the Students Together Achieving Revitalization with students from The University of Texas at San Antonio’s College of Architecture  and students from San Antonio College doing minor reservations and painting our house and our next neighbors house who is 80 years old, I have been doing her lawn maintenance for over 16 years.

The first four pictures of the house are the before pictures, the last three are the after pictures after day one.

That being said sometimes a huge save comes into your life or a huge save is removed from your life that will keep you safe as long as you allow it too. No this is not riddle, I received a save when after earning (3) points having one absence on 8/25/17 due to throwing out my lower back; leaving work at 2pm on 9/12/17 and being out on 9/13/17 and getting a doctor’s note because of extreme pain that intensified when I inhaled – turned out being a bruised rib in my back; and leaving at noon on 10/4/17 with doctor’s orders to be out on 10/5 and 10/6 with abdominal pain and diarrhea which turns out I had viral gastroenteritis which is highly contagious from what the doctor says.

You the save came when I received notification that because I reached three points in my 90 day probationary period I was terminated from Unifirst Corporation, where I was an outbound appointment setter calling businesses to get the sales representatives foot in the door at businesses across the country. I was not very good at it and I did not receive the full tools that I needed to perform the job, even while reaching out to my boss several times. I say that this save will keep me safe because I was becoming extremely stressed and we all know that for a recovering alcoholic / addict stress is a huge TRIGGER.


This is what is in “My Rattled Cage”.

Late SoCS – 09/02/17 – BIRTH

This post is part of SoCS!


Here is my disclaimer, I started this very late last night and went to bed and I continued this evening so I apologize for the lateness again.

Every once in a while I question my birth. I know that my parents did not want a boy.  I do have two older sisters whom I adore and have been my fiercest protectors, my biggest fans and two of the greatest best friends a brother could ever have. Throughout my life I have had so many things go wrong. As a child, I was not the most perfect child – all I ever wanted was attention from my parents and anyone else, and it did not matter if it was good or bad. I knew at the age of six that I was different from other children – specifically boys. I knew that I like boys – not necessarily for sex at that age, I just knew that I was attracted to boys. When I was little when other children would watch TV with their parents and siblings – I was made to sit on the side of a wall with my back to the living room so I could not see the TV. If I did anything wrong such as lie, steal food from kids or anything that my parents felt I should not do, my punishment was that my father would make me at five or six jalapeno peppers and then I would be locked in my room. I spent a lot of time locked in my room, I suppose even back then I was becoming institutionalized.

When my parents got divorced neither one of them wanted me to live with them, so their divorce judge sent me to a place called Devereaux Foundation in Victoria, Texas on September 13, 1979 one day before my 13th birthday on September 14th. I was only supposed to be there for a year and my father continued to pay $2,000 a month for another two years until it was determined that I would return to my mother a little after my 16th birthday. While I was I was supposedly diagnosed as being slightly retarded with high attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). While at Devereaux I thrived because I was getting the attention I craved from the staff and a particular boy who I had my very first homosexual sexual affair with for three years. I often wonder what ever happened to Randy Maggard.

When I returned to my mother in October 1982 I was an awkward 16 year old that had not realy been socialized other than for the same individuals that were at Devereaux for the previous three years. High school was not very memorable. I did have my first job at McDonald’s and I met some lifelong friends. But McDonald’s was the beginning of a long string of unsatisfying jobs , yet that wasn’t even the beginning. I learned that I was pretty damn good at shoplifting and this before I started passing of bad checks. My mother would even encourage me to get her books, cigarettes and anything else. Again, this was all in efforts to gain attention. Well attention I got. Between 1984 and 1988 I did four different stints in the Texas Department of Criminal Justice corrections facilities. I spent time on a couple of the more notorious units and yet I never got in trouble while still getting plenty of attention from the guys who I was involved with while incarcerated.

In September 1990 I was paroled to San Antonio Texas. A few months after moving to San Antonio, I began my many stents working at several of the gay bars here in town. I also worked waiter jobs. Back then while I did drink and I did dabble with cocaine, never would I have imagined how badly my addictive personality would become with those two things. On New Year’s Eve 1995, while drunk and high I left a party and my partner of five years and went home with someone. I wound up having unprotected sex with them and little did I know that this individual was HIV-positive. I did not know at the time, nor would I know for another year that he had passed the virus on to me. Although I was working and making some money, I was also donating plasma twice a week and had been for about three years. In January 1997 I went to my location to donate plasma and they pulled me back into an office with a doctor and proceeded to tell me that I could no longer donate plasma because I was HIV-positive. I went into denial until May 1997, at that point I went to the San Antonio Metropolitan health District and got tested. After which I face the truth that yes I was HIV-positive.

In the summer of 1997 I went for my second stent in rehab at the patrician movement here in San Antonio. It was during this time that I learned that my mother was very ill with cirrhosis of the liver and hepatitis C. Now mind you, when I learned of my health I thought that I would just go home and die with my mother. My higher power whom I choose to call God had a different plan for me, and I still don’t know what that plan is. When I got out of rehab and I was living in my apartment by myself I spoke to my mother every day until the day of her death. So let me back up a second in early 1988 I went to work for a company called Metro news company. I told my boss that I was in recovery as a an addict and alcoholic. She asked me if I would ever do cocaine again and I said I don’t know if something tragic or devastating happened, I don’t know.

On Mother’s Day May 10, 1998 I called the hospice care facility that my mother was in, she was in one of those hepantic comas. I told the nurse who answered the phone if you go in to make her comfortable or give her water whatever please tell her that her baby in San Antonio called to wish her happy Mother’s Day and  to tell her that he loves her. This was between 10:15 and 10:30 AM. At 11 AM I get a call from my sister and she asked me what am I doing and if I was sitting down. I told her I was not sitting down and she told me I needed to sit down. She proceeded to tell me that our grandma Wanda had called her to tell her that our mother had passed at 10:30 AM. Grandma Wanda had not called her and my sisters had not called her, my mother was truly waiting for me before she left us.

So back to my boss who asked if I would ever do cocaine again, I called her and told her my mother passed and she told me to her at the office in 15 minutes. I did meet her at the office and she reminded me of that conversation we had and she asked if I wanted a line. That was the beginning of six months of nothing but being a functioning cocaine addict and alcoholic in which my boss was providing all the cocaine. On October 6, 1998 which was my mother’s birthday I was arrested at my office for a probation violation because I had not been reporting because I knew I would fail the urine test. I again wound up in the state penitentiary just for a few months.

In January 1999 I came back to San Antonio again was working hard to get my life back together and start working at a great job called Sitel Corporation in which I made some lifelong friends. I was still dabbling in cocaine and I was still drinking does not heavily. To backtrack to 1996 a mutual friend of mine introduced me to this very handsome man who is 12 years older than me. At that time we became what people would say our friends with benefits, then we lost touch in 1998 when I went to jail. In January 2001 this man called me out of the blue because he just needed a friend to talk to. It was almost as though we had picked up where we never even started. What I will say about this particular piece of my history, is that through all kinds of stuff he and I are still together going on 16 1/2 years.

When I moved in with him in October 2001 I was at rock bottom. I had been helping cut cocaine and stuff out of my apartment I was doing it all the time and I had lost my apartment. I was still doing coke when I’m moved in with my better half and I was told it’s either this or me figure it out. So I quit doing coke, I still drank all the way until 2011 during the summer. Now during this time I not only got me a bachelor of arts in communication but I also earned a Master of arts in communication from the University of Texas at San Antonio. Oh and I was a full-time staff member at the University for six years until my drinking and cocaine got the better of me and I had to leave. After I left the University in February 2014 I began a journey of recovery from alcohol abuse and cocaine addiction which lasted almost 2 1/2 years. Well I fought for two years to get back the University when everybody said I would never go back and I did return on July 1, 2015. I worked hard for almost 2 years but then life happened.

My better half and I started 2016 with 10 dogs. Beginning on January 4 and ending on May 27 we went from 10 dogs to five dogs. Three of our dogs we lost due to aggression issues, our littlest baby we lost due to health and my Patty I found laying in the middle of the road dead two doors from our house on May 27. All of this loss is just so much for me and that is when the drinking began again. Between May and September I had no inkling no not know nothing about cocaine. On September 11, 2016 my entire family except for my father and stepmother came to my 50th birthday party here in San Antonio and I had many friends that attended. I think there were 50 people at this party, and it was the first time I had ever had every single one of my family members in one room here in San Antonio. My actual birthday is September 14 and I was born in 1966.

On my actual birthday I took off half a day with no plans whatsoever. Well, that addictive personalities saboteur was very much a play. That afternoon I hit every one of my normal haunts I drank plenty of beer, plenty of tequila and I purchased a good amount of cocaine. This became my downfall because over the next few months I missed a lot of work I continue to drink mass off continued to do coke until I was pushed out of my job. Let me rephrase that I wasn’t pushed out I took the meat hook yanked my myself out because I was an idiot. The drinking and cocaine use continued even after I lost my job because I had a dealer who made it so easy as he would give it to me on credit.

On April 3 of this year while very drunk and high I took 30 trazodone trying to commit suicide, and again my higher power plans for me that I don’t know. Things are good today and just for today I will not drink and I will not use. I’m doing this for me because I have my husband and our seven dogs now and I have my sisters, their husbands, my nieces, their husbands, my great nieces and great nephews and I have my church family because yes I got my faith back again.

So while this is a very long post and I do apologize, no I don’t apologize because this is something that needed be written for a long time. So today it is September 3, 2017 and I am 11 days from my 51st birthday and I am proud to say that today I do not question my birth. My higher power whom I choose to call God has his plans for me and every day I just need to say made thy will be done not my will.

This is “What’s Rattled My Cage”!!!