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#JusJoJan 2019 – Jan. 31st – Highlight

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Today is the last day of #JuJoJan and I had several hightlights in my blog this month. Since I go through really dry spells, one of favorite highlights is that I reached 50+ followers on January 24th.

While some would say that I am an attention hog, okay – I am! I was ecstatic when our #JuJoJan fearless leader Linda G. Hill liked and commented on my posts from the 26th and the 29th. The comment on the 26th I actually saw on my Twitter feed before I saw it on my Word Press notifications on my phone.

My greatest highlight from this month is that I began writing and sharing again about my struggles with depression, being bipolar, alcoholism and addiction. I am a firm believer that we never know who we are going to touch through our written word, spoken word and most definitely our actions. I am truly blessed to have this cathartic means of artistic ability through my writing. 

That’s what’s in “My Rattled Cage”, thanks for stopping by!!

 

 

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#JusJoJan 2019 Daily Prompt – Jan. 31st

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Late: #JusJoJan 2019 – Jan. 29th – Dirty

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dirty

Dirty, there can be so many connotations of the word which can be clean or dirty depending on your frame of mind. I often have a horribly dirty sense of humor that can make me the life the party but must be reined in at times depending on the company I am with.

Our house is always dirty because we have five dogs, no central air, wooden floors throughout and of course my depression and manic episodes tend to drain the energy out of me at most times, therefore I do nothing. But then there are other times that my manic episodes put me on a cleaning tear, and I don’t stop projects until I am done, to the detriment of some of my mental faculties.

When the alcoholism and addict in me come out, that is when I feel the dirtiest because that is when the lies and the self-disrespect, disrespect of my husband and my family all come into play. It is the worst way to live one’s life, yet unfortunately, those of us who suffer from these issues can dive right back in without any reservation. Currently I am on the driest run that I have had since I turned 50 in 2016. I t has been three weeks since my last drink and I feel great physically and mentally that we are getting there slowly but surely.

One of things that I am most proud of, is that I have thriving not just surviving with HIV/AIDS for 22 years as of today. Recently during my most recent bout with my issues I have been the most non-compliant patient with both my HIV meds and my mental health meds. I got to a point where I was just exhausted and tired of taking any medications and I didn’t care. Since my last episode on 1/9/19, I have been on a driving force to simplify all my medication regimens. I am working with my Infectious Diseases doctor Delia E. Bullock, with the Family Focused AIDS Clinical Treatment (FFACTS) Clinic with the University Health System of San Antonio along with my therapist Stacy Jouffray and my psychiatrist Dr. Cervando Martinez on a plan to drop me from a total of 12 pills a day to 4 pills a day. One Prezcobix and one Jucula for the HIV/AIDS along with one Depakote ER for the bipolar manic episodes and one Bupropion ER for the depression. I feel that these will be very positive in making sure that I remain compliant and I will continue to work my program to remain clean and sober.

As I work to be the best me that I can be, I will continue to work on keeping the dirty side me very much at bay and keeping the spiritually faithful individual that I am on the path to remain CLEAN and SOBER JUST FOR TODAY!!!!!

That’s what’s in “My Rattled Cage”, thanks for stopping by!!

 

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#JusJoJan 2019 Daily Prompt – Jan. 29th

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#JusJoJan 2019 – Jan. 27th – Cathartic

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cathartic2“Cathartic” is defined as “providing psychological relief through the open expression of strong emotions; causing catharsis.” And catharsis is defined as “the purging of the emotions or relieving of emotional tensions, especially through certain kinds of art, as tragedy or music.”

As someone who has been suffering through a deep depression for over two years, being bipolar, recovering alcoholic and addict – I tend to cry, scream and I am very good at expressing my emotions. I wish it was as cathartic as psychologists say it is. Often times, it is just the opposite because nothing gets purged and the emotions just get worse.

I am in the middle of a situation with my priest Father Edvin Rodriguez of St. Cecilia Parish in San Antonio, TX  because of a difference of opinion. He feels he is the dictator of the church and judges individuals and continues to run people out of the church and I believe he is our priest, spiritual advisor and not the dictator of our parish. Today when he came into Mass, I tried to speak to him and he raised his hand and stated “I don’t want to speak to you!” When this happened, I again was immediately horrified and, disappointed and offended. This man does not know why I was coming to him, it could have been a spiritual issue that I needed help with. Mass for me today was very emotional because of this and I cried throughout because I am saddened by the way this priest behaves. Crying in mass was not cathartic at all, but I know that Christ is with me and I will continue to pray for this priest and the parish family.

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I have been told often that I am funny. When people say that to me it reminds me of one of my favorite lines in one of my most favorite movies – Goodfellas – 

Henry Hill: Tommy, your funny!

Tommy DeVito: I’m funny how? Funny, Ha-ha or funny looking? Funny how?

I bring this up because for me, my sense of humor has always been cathartic. If I can make people laugh because of my one liner and my fun craziness, then it takes away from the non-funny craziness going on in my head. I have some very close friends that when we are together, I do tend to be the loud one, the one who wants to be the center of attention. I have been that way since I was a little boy, all I ever wanted was to be paid attention to, and even now at the age of 52 – I still want to be paid attention to.

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Finally, this blog has become the most cathartic thing in my life. I can pour out my heart and soul in this blog. I can be serious and write about my depression, addiction, alcoholism and anything else going on in my life. But I can also be lighthearted and funny if I want to. I can share my thoughts on whatever is in “My Rattled Cage” at any given moment. I am blessed that others in the blogosphere read my posts and follow me. I was very excited this week when I finally made it to 50 followers of my blog. While I am happy that others read my work and some enjoy my work, I truly do write for me because I can get so much off my chest and out my head!! Thank you to my followers and to all who visit this blog!!!

That’s what’s in “My Rattled Cage”, thanks for stopping by!!!

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#JusJoJan 2019 Daily Prompt – Jan. 27th

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#JusJoJan 2019 – Jan. 25th – Balance

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balance sheet of life

I found the above Balance Sheet of Life to be very useful and true because each one of those statements is essential to having a balanced emotional life.

I am one of those people that has always had issue with balancing all aspects of my life. I believe that has been a contributing factor to my alcoholism and addiction issues. The depression and being bipolar are just added circumstances. I tend to throw myself into whatever I am doing whole hog and blocking out other things. When I worked for the University of Texas at San Antonio, in every position I was always accessible whether in the office or not. I always took work home and spent many a weekend at the office, yet I did not take the best care of myself and that became the bane of my existence.

When I do yardwork, I do not quit until everything is done. My husband tells me all the time, take it easy and don’t do everything at once. I have been doing the four yards on my block for over 15 years. Our yard, the neighbor to the right is an older lady that has no one to manage her yard, the neighbor to the left is our old house and they pay me to do their yard and the neighbor to the left of them belonged to a nice lady who passed three years ago and her son still owns the house and pays me to manage the yard. When I start, I want everything uniform which means I tend to do all four yards edging and mowing on the same day. It wears me out.

I just am not good at balancing many things. I do believe the following:

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I believe that if I can get a better handle on holding on to the things I need to hold on to – my health, my husband, my four legged children, and of course our family and friends – and continue to let go of those things that I do not need – alcohol or any other substance that does not belong in my body, then YES – I will have a much more balanced life.

That’s what’s in “My Rattled Cage”, thanks for stopping by!!

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#JusJoJan 2019 Daily Prompt – Jan. 25th

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Late – #JusJoJan 2019 – Jan. 24th -Zoomie

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This week I have been dealing with some horrible allergies that have been trying to move into my chest. yesterday, I just rested and did nothing. But this morning, I wanted to share my zoomies. Somehow or another I have lost any videos of my Stitchy when I let him loose in the park on our walks. One of those would be a perfect example of a true ZOOMIE. So, you will settle for a picture of Stitchy and his big sister Sadie, when they go outside, they truly do have that frenetic energy that is indicative of being a zoomie.

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That’s what’s in “My Rattled Cage”, thanks for stopping by!!

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#JusJoJan 2019 Daily Prompt – Jan. 24th

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#JusJoJan 2019 – Jan. 22nd – Curiosity

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curiosity

As children our curiosity is boundless, because we want to touch, smell, even taste everything. Think about toddlers, they are curious about keys, anything shiny and even people. As they grow, they become curious about their toys and how they work, or even other things they like – playing outside, learning to ride their tricycle and then their bikes. Children become curious about different foods – that is how we become finicky eaters or adventurous eaters. Children become curious about other children, and as they become teenagers, they become even more curious about others.

As teenagers they become curious as to what is so cool about smoking cigarettes, what is so cool about attending parties where alcohol should not be at but is. Some teenagers become curious as to what happens if they smoke marijuana with their friends, they may even experience with other drugs or activities that are not their norm.

As adulthood sets in the curiosity may wane or change specifically towards what type of education they want to achieve, what their dream job may be all the while having that fear of the unknown deep in the recesses of their mind. The curiosity at this point in their early adulthood, if it has not already happened, is what is their faith and how does their faith play into their lives. They may be curious as to whether the person they are involved with are their one and only or they may be curious as to who else may be out there waiting for them.

As they get older and hopefully more mature, they may get to the stage where I am. I am at the stage where I am curious to know – why am I here, what is God’s purpose for me? I am curious and truly want to understand my depression and being bipolar. I am also curious and want to truly know exactly why the mental obsession regarding alcohol or other addictive substances can be so strong on some days and yet not even be present on others. I do have a fear of the unknown right now because I am unemployed, and I am working to find a job. I have had such a tough road over the last few years, some of it my own doing and some of it not my own doing. I also have a fear of the unknown because of all the turmoil going on in our country right now – mind you there is nothing I can do about this turmoil other than pray, but still the fear is there.

The great thing is that at the age of 52, I am still very curious about many things. I specifically am curious as to know what would happen if I chose to join a political campaign if there were an opening or is it possible for me to even enter politics myself considering my background. I am curious as to where my writing is going to take me, I know that deep inside I do have one heck of a novel that is itching to be written. I do know this, I am looking forward to whatever is coming down the road for me and mine, because the one thing am curious about is the fact that my God does not make mistakes and He has me here for a reason!!

That’s what’s in “My Rattled Cage”, thanks for stopping by!!!

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#JusJoJan 2019 Daily Prompt – Jan. 22nd