Tag Archives: Institute for P-20 Initiatives at UTSA

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Blogging from A to Z April 2018 Challenge: Ego

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Blogging from A to Z April 2018 Challenge

Ego, sometimes I love the word and sometimes I hate the word. As a recovering alcoholic and cocaine addict thriving, not just surviving HIV/AIDS for over 21 years with bipolar disorder/depression and being married to my husband Cruz for over 17 years – my ego can be a HORRIBLE double edge sword.

At first glance when you meet me, you might think – wow he has it together. You might be right on that particular day or you could be wrong because as a person in recovery with several chronic conditions, I have learned to wear an incredible false exterior mask. While I am proud of who I am in all of my many facets, sometimes I also hate myself, that is when my anti-ego is not in check.

I am strong person with a very strong Catholic faith, which has faltered many times over the years because of my alcoholism and addiction, that knows that he is loved by his husband and family, my family and numerous friends that I have had for years. I have been told that I am an excellent, powerful lector during mass along with having a strong voice in our 8am choir. I have also been told that I am an excellent cook. While all of these things are great, I don’t take compliments well because I don’t feel I deserve them. Often my comedic barrier pops out when I receive compliments.

I am my own worst enemy when it comes to my ego. I received my B.A. in Communication in December 2007 and two days after the ceremony 12/17/2007 I began working full time for the University of Texas at San Antonio. I remained at the University is two different roles until August 2013 when I caused me to be fired because of my EGO and my alcoholism and cocaine addiction. During my last two years, until the last few months, I was very much so a functioning alcoholic/addict. Mind you during this time I also earned a M.A. in Communication, a lot of the work was done while I was drinking and using.

During my six years I built a lot of important relationships both internally and externally. I served on several committees tasked the betterment of the university. I attended many meetings with the president of the university and his leadership. I was damn good at my job. That was until my ego got the best of me and I began to believe I was untouchable. Big mistake, huge. So yes, I was fired.

For two and a half years I applied to 46 postings and had 9 interviews with my alma mater and beloved UTSA.  This was all done as I working on my recovery and had almost 11/2 years sober. My family and friends all said why, you will never get hired back. I proved them wrong. On 7/1/2015 I returned to the University of Texas at San Antonio with the Institute for P-20 Initiatives. When I returned, it was as if I had never left. The relationships that I had built and nurtured previously with other departments, divisions and external relationships picked up where they left off. I again was asked to join those same committees. I was known and loved by my colleagues. yes, again I was damn good at my job and my superiors were impressed by how easily I could take a very bad situation and correct it with ease because of my nurtured relationships. Here my bold ego is talking.

Then life happened and my ego kept telling me I was great and I untouchable and that hey, one drink won’t hurt you. from January 4, 2016 to May 27, 2016 Cruz and I lost five of our 10 dogs Tippy, Buddy, Fluffy, Minnie (Doodle) and Patty due to many different reasons. Then on September 14th 2016 I turned 50. The Sunday before I had a FANTABULOUS 50th birthday party with all of my family in from the Houston area and loads of friends. On my birthday proper I took a half day with no plans. My disease kicked in and I sabotaged 2 1/2 years of sobriety. I hit all my haunts and did all the things I used to do. In the end, this carried on through to early January with my being out on leave through January and then being able to resign on 2/16/2017.

It has been rough haul since, but one this is for certain – my EGO is in check and will remain so with the help of my Higher Power, whom I call God!!

This is what is in “My Rattled Cage” today, thanks for stopping by!

 

 

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The Daily Post – Lecture

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This post is part of The Daily Post – 2/13/2018.

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As a recovering alcoholic and cocaine addict I cannot tell you how many times I heard the lecture from my husband,  family, friends, my infectious diseases physician and mental health professionals about my needing to quit.

My husband’s lecture was always the normal ultimatum and threat of kicking me out of our house or sending me to jail.

My family and friend’s lecture was always about how I have so much to live for and all the things I would miss if I were to die of an overdose or alcohol poisoning.

My physician and mental health professional’s lecture was always about, you guessed it, how the alcohol abuse and cocaine abuse were affecting my physical and mental health. Along with this was the added reminder about how my alcoholism and cocaine addiction were going to take their toll on my HIV/AIDS viral load and T-Cell count. Which for all the abuse my body has taken just in the last 6 years, I am still non-detectable and my T-Cells are still above 700 – so I have been extremely lucky!

Do you ever lecture yourself? I bet you do, either aloud or silently. For me, my lecture to myself this time around was the best lecture of them all. You see I am a very faithful Catholic who truly believes that I have the best life coaches in my corner in the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. While yes my faith has faltered at times, I always find my way back.

The most important thing that I can share in regards to recovery of any addiction is this. The individual entering into recovery can not be doing it for the wrong reasons – even though they may seem like the right reasons. For instance, we cannot enter recovery to please our family, friends, physicians, or our mental health professionals. We cannot enter recovery because of what we are afraid of losing. We must, as I did for the second time in 4 years, determine that we are “tired of being sick and tired of being sick and tired”.  Then we must take the ever painstaking steps to work on our recovery. I am a proud member of Alcoholics Anonymous  as well as being a member of Global Steps AA a video AA meeting group on the hosting site In The Rooms. These groups and programs continue to guide me through my continued recovery – because I want them to.

Four years ago today I began my first journey through recovery because of every single reason above six months after losing my job that I loved with the University Career Center at The University of Texas at San Antonio. I loved being clean and sober. My life was coming back together and I even went back to work at my beloved University of Texas at San Antonio with the Institute for P-20 Initiatives. In May 2016 I threw away 2 years and 3 months of being clean and sober because of life. The downward spiral just continued to through the summer. I was still working and loving my job of over one year and then on September 14th, 2016 I turned 50 and I have no idea what happened to cause the hurricane that was a comin. I visited my old haunts and got drunk off my butt and bought a whole mess of cocaine and then I was off to the races. I didn’t return to work until mid October because of continued illnesses being caused by my being off to the races.

The craziness continued and of course I lost my job with the university on February 16, 2017 for a different reason other than my addictions but in essence caused by them. Does that make sense?  I continued to enjoy, as I believed, all the drinking and drugging I was doing. In early April 2017 I attempted suicide by swallowing thirty trazodone pills while drinking heavily and doing coke. The attempt obviously did not work because folks are reading my writings. My Higher Power whom I choose to call God had and has different plans for me that are not meant for me to know.

I do know this, when I attended the ACTS Retreat 11/30 – 12/3 I meditated, I prayed and when it was all said and done I left my alcoholism and cocaine addiction on the Alter of the Tabernacle. This was on Saturday December 2nd. When I came home on Sunday I did walk to my store. I bought two 24 oz. cans of beer and a six pack of O’Doul’s Amber non alcoholic beer. That was the last day that I drank. On  the night of 12/3 I meditated and prayed for guidance and help with remaining clean and sober everyday moving forward. I am so proud and happy to say that the daily obsession and need to drink and or get high have left me. I am currently two months and 10 days clean and sober. I do it by reminding myself that JUST for TODAY I WILL REMAIN CLEAN and SOBER!!!

That is what is in My Rattled Cage today!!!!