Everyone who knows me, through personal interaction, my different social media outlets and of course those of you that follow this blog, knows that I am an open book. Sometimes I am comedic, serious, emotional, and heartfelt. I feel that I write my best when writing consciously, totally and honestly about anything that I’m writing – especially about my ever-continuous journey in recovery and unfortunate relapses over the years.
So why would today be any different? Since September 14, 2016, the day that I turned 50, the struggle has been real. I cannot even count how many times that I have relapsed and entered back into the fray of recovery. I can say the most definitive date was on my 50th birthday when I threw away 2 1/2 years of being clean and sober. After that, although I had already been working with my psychiatrist and my chemical dependency counselor on my bipolar affectation disorder and my depression, I went into an extremely deep depression that cost me a job that I had returned to after almost 2 years of being gone from The University of Texas at San Antonio where I had previously been employed for six years prior to my addiction and alcoholism costing me that job.
Today, I am extremely pleased to say that once again, I have a new true 30 days of being clean and sober. This time is different because my psychiatrist Dr. Cervando Martinez lit a fire up under my butt. I am currently working with Social Security on an appeal, and he told me that if I do not remain clean and sober while remaining compliant with my medications for my depression and bipolar along with my HIV/AIDS meds (for which I’ve been thriving not just surviving for 22 years), then Social Security will continue to deny my application.
You see my concern is that I not only suffer the above, I have also been suffering from chronic pain in both my lumbar and cervical spine for well over eight years. I obviously cannot venture into prescribed painkillers due to my history with addiction and unfortunately over-the-counter medications do not work.
So right now, on today February 9th, 2019 I say to you my followers that “JUST FOR TODAY, I WILL REAMIN CLEAN AND SOBER!!” You see in a Global Steps Alcoholic Anonymous video meeting this morning on InTheRooms.com I heard the greatest thing, a sharer stated as a matter of fact, “I can’t think about more than 30 minutes ahead.” I will say, that I’m not to that extreme, but I cannot think past today. I cannot think about tomorrow, next week, next month or even the next six months to a year. If I begin to look past the nose on my face towards tomorrow or any other time in the future, I truly am consciously, dishonestly and totally setting myself up for failure and relapse.
I can consciously, honestly and totally say that I know for a fact that my husband and four legged children, are constantly better served and loved when I am not drinking or using. I also know that even though I have all these lifelong health issues, I can remain very productive in my house.
I can also consciously, honestly and totally say unequivocally that the love of my husband and our four-legged children Chrissy, Little Bitty (our grandaughter), Zailey, Sadie and Stichy are the best motivators along with my faith and support of my family within the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous and of course my family in the cities League City, SHore Acres, Seabrook and Texas City, Texas and McDonald, Tennessee.