Tag Archives: cocaine addiction

#AtoZChallenge

#AtoZChallenge2020 – Fight on Fighter

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F2020

I am loving participating in the 2020 #AtoZChallenge. So on my musical journey through the alphabet, I am sharing music that is in my extensive Apple Music collection. Today I have chosen For King and Country’s –  Fight on Fighter.

This song is so important to me because all my life I have been a fighter. Whether it be from when I was little dealing with never enough love from either parent, to their divorcing and my being sent to The Devereaux Foundation in Victoria, Texas for three years because one parent didn’t want me and the other could not handle me. To my struggles with committing stupid property crimes in my teens and going to the Texas prison system 3 different times by the time I turned 22. To my struggles with alcoholism and cocaine addiction during adulthood.  I have always been a fighter and my faith in my Higher Power whom I choose to call God has always got me through stronger than ever. Here I am at 53 and the 9th Step Promises are coming true because I am doing this ONE DAY AT A TIME!!

That’s what’s in  My Rattled Cage, thanks for stopping by!!!

 

Lyrics

I was there on the day that you were changed
You were scared and prepared for the heartbreak
Everything you knew faded out of view
Stole a piece of you

If I could, oh, I would be a hero
Be the one who would take all the arrows
Save you from the pain, carry all the weight
But I know that you’re brave

Fight on, fighter
Don’t let anyone steal your fire
Fight on, fighter
The Spirit is alive inside ya, yeah

There’s a part that you hold that you lock down
Let it breathe, give it wings, set it free now
Time to make ya walk, break the prison bars
Show them who you are

Fight on, fighter
Don’t let anyone steal your fire
Fight on, fighter
The Spirit is alive inside ya, yeah

Stronger than you than you ever thought
I know you’re stronger
Braver than you were before
You know you’re braver
Oh, no, you don’t have to be afraid
Together we’ll face it
So don’t ever stop no matter what
‘Cause you’re gonna make it

Fight on, fighter
Don’t let anyone steal your fire
Fight on, fighter
The Spirit is alive inside ya, yeah
Fight on, fighter
Don’t let anyone steal your fire
Fight on, fighter
The Spirit is alive inside ya, yeah

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Ben Backus / Ben Glover / Joel David Smallbone / Luke Smallbone / Mark Campbell / Tedd Tjornhom
#SoCS

#SoCS 4/4/2020 – Deep

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This weeks prompt from Linda G. Hill for #SoCS is “DEEP”.

When I think of the word deep, I can not help but think of how deep I have been in my alcoholism and cocaine addiction over the last ten years. But along with that, is how much deeper I have gotten into my recovery every time that I have relapsed after losing 2 1/2 years of sobriety on my 50th birthday on September 14, 2016.

Yesterday I celebrated a new 90 days of sobriety. With the COVID-19 pandemic going on, I was not able to pick up a 90 day chip because there are no face 2 face meetings here in San Antonio, Texas or anywhere across the country and in most countries. I will pick one up when my home group opens back up for meetings.

I am really growing in my recovery through attending my online meetings of Global Steps AA which meets in the online recovery meeting place In The Rooms. There is so much deep love and deep support for individuals from all over the globe in my online home group.

It amazes me that today I am working one job, I begin another job on 4/24/20 and I just interviewed again with my beloved The University of Texas at San Antonio for a major position that I would love to have. My husband of 19 years is recovering beautifully form his open heart surgery that was done on 12/17/19 and is working to being his normal self. My staying clean and sober one day at a time is going to push me very deep into my recovery and I see the 9th Step Promises coming true. I am felling bLESSED and HIGHLY Favored because of my deep faith in my Higher Power whom I choose to call God!!

So today, while the song Starting Over by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis does not have deep in the title, it does express where I am and where I am going!!

Please note that the lyrics in this song are graphic!

That’s what’s in  My Rattled Cage, thanks for stopping by!!

 

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I will not be shaken!!!!

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I watch the news once a day, normally in the morning between 6 & 7, because if you watch more than that you are only seeing regurgitation of the exact same stories and film at noon, 4, 4:30, 5, 6, 9 and 10.

Every single media outlet is in my opinion inciting more fear, stress, depression and triggers for individuals over the COVID-19 pandemic.

It also does not help that the current occupant of the White House must be in front of the cameras everyday with the people whose noses are so far up his tail and they are constantly praising his leadership!

I have not seen a true president, he has not calmed the country nor the economy down throughout the pandemic thus far. He continues his xenophobic ways by calling COVID-19 the Chinese virus, which does nothing but cause more xenophobic behavior in our country.

COVID-19 does not discriminate as we can see, it is unfortunate that the first truly reported hotspot was in Wuhan China. We must be better than we have been and remember that “BUT FOR THE GRACE OF GOD, THERE GOES I!!!”

San Antonio is about to be pretty much shut down in the effort to prevent the spread of this horrific virus. Cruz and I are okay with this. Will we hurt financially, possibly but we both have our own underlying health issues and need to be careful. We will continue to live our normal lives and keep as much of our routines as possible.

I also lovingly say, if HIV/AIDS hasn’t killed me in over 23 years and my alcoholism and cocaine addiction off and on over the last nine years hasn’t killed me – no COVID-19 is gonna kill me either!!! I WILL NOT BE SHAKEN!!!

Cruz and I send our thoughts and prayers to everyone everywhere being affected in any way because of COVID-19

That’s what’s in My Rattled Cage, thanks for stopping by!!!

recovery

#LifeHappens

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So, I haven’t posted a regular blog post since July 19th, 2019. If you have read my blog in the past, you know that it is a very personal blog having to do with many topics most of which deal with my struggles with relapse and journeys into recovery from alcohol abuse and cocaine abuse.

This post is no different. Since July I have definitely had my struggles with alcoholism. That being said, I have not had a desire nor have I used cocaine since November 2018.

I currently have 70 days sober and I believe that this time is very different because of some very stressful things that happened to my husband of 19 years. In October we learned that he had 85% or higher blockage in three arteries which led to triple bypass surgery on December 17th, 2019. I handled the surgery well and Cruz came out with awesome results. The surgery took less time than expected and he was released from the hospital in 4 days.

I was fine for the first week and then on Christmas Eve while Cruz was starting his recovery at his mother’s for the next six weeks, I had the bright idea to go out to a bar at 11:30PM. I did not go to the bar to hook up, I just needed to be around people, and I did close the bar. When I left I ended up getting Cruz’s truck stuck in a ditch, no damage to the vehicle but I had to have it winched out the next morning. I did not go see him and his mother on Christmas Day because of the shame and guilt I felt for going out and the truck issue.

I did go see him on his birthday 12/30 and we did our Christmas and his birthday. I took him and his mother a full spaghetti dinner. On New Year’s Eve I had vowed I was not going to drink because I had to open my Dollar General Store at 8AM on New Year’s Day. Well that did not work out and I never made it to work and was terminated. When I went to drop off my store keys on 01/02, as I was pulling out of the parking lot I was so upset and not paying attention that I hit a light pole as I was leaving and did damage the front right headlight and hood area of Cruz’s truck. I was not drinking when this happened.

I again isolated for two days and drank like a fish because of shame and guilt. On January 3rd, I had my last drink and I have been working a strong program. I am making online meetings at In The Rooms and I have found a new home group LAMBDA Group that I started attending on January 09th and saw someone I have known for years pick up their 20 Year Chip. I am loving this group and make a face to face at least once a week. After that first LAMBDA Group meeting I went to Luby’s where I had worked before and had applied recently and spoke to the General Manager. He Hired me and I started on 1/10/2020.

Since this time Cruz has returned home to me and his babies Crissy, Little Bitty, Zailey, Sadie and Stitchy. He doing very well and has since retired from his job with Christus Santa Rosa Children’s Hospital of San Antonio where he has been employed as Medical Laboratory Chemistry Technician for 45 years. I am about to embark on a new position with Qualfon on March 30 because I have found that my body is no longer cut out for the strenuous work involved in the cafeteria back of the house business.

Someone said in a meeting the other day that another person can not keep you sober. While this is true, I can tell you that another person can help just by being there. Since Cruz has been home and even when he was working and was off I do not have those depressive feelings of loneliness and desire to drink or even use. I cannot explain it and no it is not because he can stop me, if I really wanted to I would find a way.

So today I am blessed to have 70 days sober, for the most I part am extremely healthy  and I am looking forward to my new adventure and hopefully writing more as I will be working a stable schedule of M-F 7Am – 4PM.

That’ what’s in My Rattled Cage, thanks for stopping by!!

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Very late SoCS 6/16/2018 – Reservation

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socs-badge-2017-18-e1503097084778This is a late post to #SoCS for 6/16/2018

It has been a long time since my last post. The STRUGGLE continues to be EXTREMELY real in regards to the manic episodes, trying to stay clean and sober, dealing with unemployment. The largest struggle I am having lately is dealing with my RESERVATION to do the real type of writing that I love.

I believe I am very good at writing about myself as evidenced by the likes and comments I have received over the years on this and my prior blog “What’s Rattling My Cage“. I am an open book in regards to my addictions to alcohol and cocaine, along with my being diagnosed with being bipolar and often times deep depression.

What I long to write about is more politically inclined both positive and negative about our current American administration and even past administrations. While I do not get paid for my writing, this is still a form of FREE PRESS which is currently and has been under attack by President Donald Trump since long before he was elected. He is constantly tweeting about the fake news and liars and how nobody is giving him a fair shake, etc. I will share an example with you which I posted to my Facebook page from Yahoo News.

Pittsburgh Post-Gazette fires editorial cartoonist critical of President Trump

My caption in my post on Facebook was as follows:

“This is a pre-cursor of what is to come with our protected free press in the United States of America. We need columnists and satirists that are willing to allow others to see all points of view whether they are positive or critical of our nation’s leadership!!!”

Even in  this arena if you are critical of the current administration or even positive about the previous administration – specifically Barack Obama’s, people are extremely either left or right. I understand that, but we as writers are supposed to engage the reader and incite our readers to seek the truth and not only rely on what they read in a single paper or see on a single network.

It is imperative the we as humans everywhere in the world are always willing to search and find that truth. There are tweets from the President of the United States everyday that are FAKE NEWS  and just so damn narcissistic. Networks like Fox News and others eat it up and when other networks such as NBC, MSNBC, ABC, and CBS call him on his shit he calls them liars and purveyors of FAKE NEWS.

I suppose I need to move away from my reservations and start writing what I want to write and just smile with the good reviews and laugh and accept the bad reviews.

On a great note I am returning to a company that I worked for over 25 years ago, Luby’s Cafeteria, doing what I already love to do – cooking. I am excited for orientation today and to get moving because I believe that I can work my up to a Manager In Training.

That’s what’s in “My Rattled Cage“, thanks for stopping by!!!!

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#SoCS April 21/18 & Blogging from A to Z April 2018: Spoke

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                                  #SoCS April 21/18 & Blogging from A to Z April 2018

 

How often have you been listening to a song and you feel that you are being spoken to? Better yet how often have you been at a church service and during the sermon you feel as though God himself has come down and spoke to you?

I remember on December 31, 2011 my sisters and I were in Lamar, Missouri for the funeral of our Uncle Kenny, the youngest of our Grandma Wanda’s three children and the second that she had had to bury. Our mother was the first in May 1998. During the service the preacher was not performing a normal funeral, it was more like a lecture to my cousins and although I did not realize it at the time – I also was being spoke to. I wish I could say that it did some good. Unfortunately I was in  the beginnings of a new addiction to cocaine and very much so in my alcoholism – unbeknownst to my sisters and grandma.

My favorite times though are when I am attending either a face to face or online meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. So many times I am listening to others sharing their own experience strength and hope and it seems they have just plopped themselves in front of me, speaking directly to me and reminding me that I am worth it and that it does continue to get better.

Yet, the greatest feeling is not knowing who I have spoke to and given my experience , strength and hope to in those same meetings when I share. My inner voices often say they spoke to me long before I picked up a drink or did a line and told me not to and that I just did not listen. Imagine that, me not listening when I am being spoken to!!!

That’s what’s in “My Rattled Cage” today, thanks for stopping by!!

 

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Blogging from A to Z April 2018: Rarely/Rigorous

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Blogging from A to Z April 2018

Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. – Chapter 5 “How It Works” – The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous – Fourth Edition, p. 58 

When I attend a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, whether face to face or an online meeting with Global Steps AA on In The Rooms an online meeting place, I love having the opportunity to read “How It Works”.  This important reading is an important reminder that yes I can continue on my journey of recovery if I am rigorously honest with myself and others regarding my alcoholism and addiction to cocaine. That being said, life can happen so often that the rigorous honesty can and will take a back seat which in turn will cause either slips or full relapses. I have had both happen.

When a slip or full relapse happens, it is normally caused by my own inability to deal with whatever life has been dealing me. I am ever reminded that all I have to do to deal with life’s dealings is to get into a meeting or two, three or four on any given day to be reminded by my fellows tat yes – rarely have we seen a person fail in our program if they are rigorously honest with themselves and others. I am truly blessed to call Alcoholics Anonymous my group that keeps me honest so that I am not one of those rare cases.

That’s what’s in “My Rattled Cage” today, thanks for stopping by!!!

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Blogging from A to Z April 2018: Qualified

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Blogging from A to Z April 2018

qualified

What makes a person qualified? Who determines that a person is qualified to do a specific job, to speak on a specific subject or to share their experiences. Ultimately it is the individual. One will apply for positions because they feel that they are qualified. Most people will not discuss topics unless they truly believe they know what they are talking about, because no one likes to seem like a fool. There are those of us who just have that gut feeling that they can possibly touch others by sharing their experience, strength and hope by telling their entire story with no reservations.

Let me preface this by saying, I am not arrogant nor do I think I have all the answers when it comes to recovery from alcoholism and addiction. What I will say is this, my story is my story and I am proud to say that while there have been many ups and downs in recovery and life in general, I am here and that is through the grace of my Higher Power whom I choose to call God and because I am unabashed about sharing who I am and where I have been along with where I want to go – I feel this makes me extremely qualified to share.

I am always blessed when I can speak of my troubles with my alcoholism, cocaine addiction, being bipolar and of course that double edged sword of depression. I love that I am a work in progress, I will never be perfect but with the help of my fellows and my faith, I continue to grow in recovery every day.

That’s what’s in “My Rattled Cage” today, thanks for stopping by!!

 

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Blogging from A to Z April 2018: Kaleidoscope

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Blogging from A to Z April 2018 Challenge 

 

The Merriam Webster Dictionary defines KALEIDOSCOPE  as:

 1 : an instrument containing loose bits of colored material (such as glass or plastic) between two flat plates and two plane mirrors so placed that changes of position of the bits of material are reflected in an endless variety of patterns.

2 : something resembling a kaleidoscope: such as
a : a variegated changing pattern or scene
b : a succession of changing phases or actionsc : a diverse collection

I love this word because for me, in my life of over 51 years I have been a kaleidoscope and have b in many kaleidoscopic settings. I remember when I was younger and my grandmothers or parents would buy me those toy kaleidoscopes. I loved looking through the hole and seeing the many beautiful patterns of colors. Ever interchanging making new patterns. Often times those kaleidoscopes were a reprieve from the things going on in my childhood. That is for a different post or multiple posts in general.

When I was younger, long before I ever started drinking or using any other type of drug, I used to do things that I knew were wrong because I thrived for attention. Good or bad, it didn’t matter. I was actually a pretty good shop lifter and check passer in my late teens. These activities wound up landing me in the Texas Department of Criminal Justice Institutional Division. I spent time on some of the worst units within the system, and lived with such a kaleidoscope of individuals of every race and mental persuasion. I never once had issues, not because I was a gay man, but because I knew how to respect myself and others while making sure I was never taken advantage of.

I have worked in many different fields over the years, fast food, retail, higher education, call centers. Think about in every one of those jobs, again there was such a diverse kaleidoscope of individuals that I worked with and constituents that I served.

As I have gotten older and have been loved by my husband of 17 years, Cruz, I have learned that I have facets of a kaleidoscope in my life. As some who is clinically diagnosed with bipolar affectation disorder, depression that often can be deep and of that huge elephant that I am so proud to be honest and open about my struggles with and current recovery from alcoholism and cocaine addiction. This is where my life is something resembling a a kaleidoscope because of the succession of changing phases and scenes.

I am proud to be the kaleidoscope that I am because I know that my Higher Power whom I choose to call God does not make mistakes. My God thinks that I am a most perfect and beautiful ever-changing kaleidoscope that is a continuous work in progress.

That’s what’s in my “My Rattled Cage” today, thanks for stopping by.

 

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Blogging from A to Z April 2018: Joy

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Blogging from A to Z April 2018 Challenge

So many things give me joy today as a recovering alcoholic and cocaine addict’ The fact that I am clean and sober just for today – joy! My husband of over 17 years through thick and thin – joy! My awesome family in Shore Acres, League City, Seabrook, Texas city, TX and my dad and stepmother in McDonald, TN that have shown nothing but love, compassion and support in all my ups and downs- joy! My St. Cecelia Catholic Church parish family – joy! My most HOLY friends the Sisters of the Holy Spirit – joy, joy, joy! My other friends that I have for almost two decades – joy!

But the most awesome joy providing things in my life is why we celebrate NATIONAL PET (FOUR LEGGED BABIES) DAY; our Missy, Crissy, Little Bitty, Zailey, Sadie, Stichy and Tippy!! They are my joy and they love us so unconditionally that my heart just leaps when I walk in the door from being somewhere.

That’s what is in “My Rattled Cage” today, thanks for stopping by!!