Tag Archives: bipolar affectation

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A New 30 Day Chip!!!

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Some weekends just fall right into place and everything you do or say is right on time. This weekend was one of those weekends. It has been very cold in San Antonio for the last few days which has given me the chance to work on a couple of things and to celebrate one new very important thing. I write often and say how I am an open book and while I understand that a lot of what I write or even talk about may be a hinderance to my current situation of looking for employment in my field even though I am working with Social Security for Disability.

If does not come through and I must keep fighting or re-apply in a few months – then I must be able bring money into our home. When I am not working, I feel very useless and unproductive because I am not one to truly rely on anybody unless I just must. Unfortunately, over the years because of my depression, bipolar affectation disorder, chronic spine issues and of course my issues of chronic relapse, there have plenty of times that I have had to be totally reliant upon my husband. Mind you, Cruz has been a true angel and savior for me, but I do not like putting that pressure on him.

So back to this last weekend. On Saturday I spent most of the day working on the layout of “My Rattled Cage” and I am in love with the way it looks and the new additions to the site. Sunday, I started off in the “Each One Teach One” video meeting with Global Steps AA on InTheRooms.com, Then I went to 8AM mass at St. Cecilia Catholic Church, which is a every Sunday routine for me. After I attended the “A Spiritual Life” video meeting.

30DayChip

The most important thing that I did was to attend a Closed Meeting with my home group, The Goliad Group to pick up a BRAND-NEW 30-Day Chip. I am truly blessed that I have a meeting place that is less than 10 minutes from my house. I more blessed because no matter how long it takes me to get back to my home group, they always welcome me with open arms. That is the greatest thing about the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, no matter if you are going to a face to face meeting or attending online video meetings – you are always welcomed back and strongly encouraged to “Keep Coming Back, It Works if you Work It!!!”

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This morning as I was preparing to write this post, I was searching for a good picture of the Serenity Prayer and I actually found the full version and it just reminded me that yes the promises can come true if you simply work the program and keep your relationship with your Higher Power, whom I choose to call God.

That’s what’s in “My Rattled Cage”, thanks for stopping by!!!

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Blogging from A to Z April 2018: Kaleidoscope

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Blogging from A to Z April 2018 Challenge 

 

The Merriam Webster Dictionary defines KALEIDOSCOPE  as:

 1 : an instrument containing loose bits of colored material (such as glass or plastic) between two flat plates and two plane mirrors so placed that changes of position of the bits of material are reflected in an endless variety of patterns.

2 : something resembling a kaleidoscope: such as
a : a variegated changing pattern or scene
b : a succession of changing phases or actionsc : a diverse collection

I love this word because for me, in my life of over 51 years I have been a kaleidoscope and have b in many kaleidoscopic settings. I remember when I was younger and my grandmothers or parents would buy me those toy kaleidoscopes. I loved looking through the hole and seeing the many beautiful patterns of colors. Ever interchanging making new patterns. Often times those kaleidoscopes were a reprieve from the things going on in my childhood. That is for a different post or multiple posts in general.

When I was younger, long before I ever started drinking or using any other type of drug, I used to do things that I knew were wrong because I thrived for attention. Good or bad, it didn’t matter. I was actually a pretty good shop lifter and check passer in my late teens. These activities wound up landing me in the Texas Department of Criminal Justice Institutional Division. I spent time on some of the worst units within the system, and lived with such a kaleidoscope of individuals of every race and mental persuasion. I never once had issues, not because I was a gay man, but because I knew how to respect myself and others while making sure I was never taken advantage of.

I have worked in many different fields over the years, fast food, retail, higher education, call centers. Think about in every one of those jobs, again there was such a diverse kaleidoscope of individuals that I worked with and constituents that I served.

As I have gotten older and have been loved by my husband of 17 years, Cruz, I have learned that I have facets of a kaleidoscope in my life. As some who is clinically diagnosed with bipolar affectation disorder, depression that often can be deep and of that huge elephant that I am so proud to be honest and open about my struggles with and current recovery from alcoholism and cocaine addiction. This is where my life is something resembling a a kaleidoscope because of the succession of changing phases and scenes.

I am proud to be the kaleidoscope that I am because I know that my Higher Power whom I choose to call God does not make mistakes. My God thinks that I am a most perfect and beautiful ever-changing kaleidoscope that is a continuous work in progress.

That’s what’s in my “My Rattled Cage” today, thanks for stopping by.

 

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Daily Post & Blogging from A to Z April 2018 Challenge: Inchoate

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pod-2018-md          The Daily Post: Inchoate 

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           Blogging from A to Z April 2018 Challenge

The Merriam Webster Dictionary defines the adjective inchoate as being only partly in existence or operation or imperfectly formed or formulated.

This word is very interesting to me and fits into two aspects of my life. As a recovering alcoholic and cocaine addict diagnosed with bipolar affectation disorder with depression that often is deep and long, I feel as though I am inchoate. You see when I am deep in my disease of alcoholism and addiction, often brought on by my mental illness issues, I feel as though my existence is nonexistent. Does this make sense?

As a gay man who knew at the age of six that he was different and has had many struggles over the years, I have also felt as though I was imperfectly formed mentally and otherwise. However, when I became strong in my faith in my Higher Power whom I choose to call God, I realized that I am not imperfectly formed. I am just how God intended for me to be. I am a 51-year-old gay man that has been married to his husband for over 17 years, with seven dogs and I have been thriving not just surviving with HIV/AIDS for over 21 years. All of this along with my demons of alcoholism and addiction and the mental illness are just facets of my life for which I ask God to continue to help me remain clean and sober just for today, while asking for his grace to be over me at all times.

The second aspect is my writing. I love to write and have many things that I can write about. The issue is that because I do not write every day or as much as I would like my writing may sometimes be inchoate. Yet writing is an art form that improves with time and content. I am a personal writer, I have some pretty strong political opinions that for some reason have held back on, and I am not afraid to share who am with any because my story may actually help someone else struggling in the same areas.

This is what is in “My Rattled Cage” today, thanks for stopping by!!

 

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Daily Write – Insist

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This post is part of Daily Write.

Insist

 

While the above statement is true, there are often extenuating circumstances. In my case for at least 15 years I struggled with my alcoholism and cocaine addiction off and on, causing me to insist on making my life difficult and very complicated. It wasn’t until early 2014 when I started seeing a psychiatrist that through our first session I learned that my ups/downs/constant manic states were not a making of my own accord. I was professionally diagnosed with bipolar affectation disorder and depression. I began just on Lithium which did help with the manic states of up and down and all over the place. In 2016 after the loss of 5 of our 10 dogs in the period of 5 months (all under different circumstances) I began drinking again after almost 2 years and 4 months of recovery.

On September 14, 2016 I turned 50 and self sabotaged myself by hitting all my haunts getting drunk and doing a mess of cocaine for the first time in over two years. After this debacle of an experience I became very depressed which the lithium is not necessarily meant to treat was only helping with the manic episodes because I was only in one state – DEEP, DEEP, DEEP depression. We then put me on Zoloft with Trazadone . The Zoloft just caused me to have really bad suicide ideations of which I acted upon in early April by swallowing 30 trazodone while drinking heavily and using cocaine. Obviously my Higher Power God had and has other plans for me.

I insisted that my psychiatrist take me off the Zoloft and the Trazadone. I stayed on Lithium only for a few months but the depression was very much still there. Late 2017 I started on Bupropion which is assisting greatly. The depression is still greatly at work but no suicide ideations and my manic states have disappeared. I insist that the combination that I am on is doing it’s job and that there are other extenuating issues that are still causing my depression. Specifically some chronic health issues and extreme chronic pain for which I cannot take painkillers for due to my addiction issues.

I also insist on telling you that my husband of just about 17 years has been a Godsend for his patience, love, understanding and support. So my hats off to Cruz!!!

Finally I insist that this is what is in My Rattled Cage today!! Thanks for visiting!

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Late – One-Liner-Wednesday-JusJotJan-Daily-Prompt-January-3rd-2018

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This is a late post part of One-Liner-Wednesday-JusJotJan 1/3/2018.

Very proud and happy to state that today is a TRUE 30 Days of being CLEAN AND SOBER after a very rough 2016 and 2017 regarding my deep depression, bipolar affectation, alcoholism and addiction to cocaine!!

This is what has Rattled My Cage!!