Today I write this post from my birthplace, Lamar, Missouri. I drove up yesterday so that I could lay flowers at my mother’s grave who passed 22 years ago today on May 10, 1998 which just so happened to be Mother’s Day.
This trip was one I needed to take because I have never been at my mother’s grave alone and so I have never had the chance to have a long conversation with her and tell her that I no longer blame her for all the things that happened to me as I was growing up nor for the choices that I have made as an adult. I have always held resentments towards her and my father because they did not know how to raise or handle a boy. I used to think they never wanted a boy. I now truly believe my parents did the best they could with who they were and what they had.
I currently have a sobriety date of January 4, 2020. I can say that I see a definite change in my attitudes towards my resentments towards my parents, even my resentments towards myself in regards to my struggles with relapses and journeys into recovery from alcoholism and addiction to cocaine. While yes I do have the genetic gene I believe for alcoholism and other addictive behaviors, I am at a point now where I have turned everything over to my Higher Power whom I choose to call God. I am already beginning to see differences in my mental attitudes and my spirituality is just growing even stronger.
As long as I remember daily that I cannot drink like other people and I cannot pick up that first drink ever, then I will also remember that recovery is a JUST FOR TODAY program. I only have to live my life in recovery ONE DAY AT A TIME!! So, I have let go and I am letting God guide me for His will to be done daily and not my own. I am seeing those 9th Step Promises coming true!!
That’s what’s in My Rattled Cage, thanks for stopping by!!
For todays #1LinerWeds I want to remind everyone struggling with alcoholism or addiction to remember “Ask and It Will Be Given to You”. True statement if you ask your higher power and your support group for help you and you do the work, you will see the 9th Step Promises come true!
I hope enjoy this live version of Anthony Evans singing “Ask”! That’s what’s in My Rattled Cage, thanks for stopping by!!
I am running late this week on my #SoCS, but here I am. So Linda gave us the prompt of “directions”. So I looked at a frozen dinner in my freezer and one of those Yakisoba soups and their directions started with peel back the corner to vent contents.
Peeling back the corner of the box is kind of like peeling back that first layer of an onion. This reminds me of a classic line from Mike Meyers as Shrek to Eddie Murphy as Donkey in the family movie Shrek. “Ogre’s are like onions!”
For me this particular time of recovery from my problems with alcoholism and addiction to cocaine addiction is a reminder that those of us in recovery that are really taking their program seriously are not ogres but they are definitely like onions. As people in recovery we are slowly peeling back those layers until we get to the very core of what we are and why we are alcoholics and addicts. You see as I am moving through my recovery, I am doing things differently. I am beginning to see those 9th Step Promises coming true and I am not even a third of the way through the simple program that is suggested.
Tomorrow I will have four months in recovery and I am truly blessed to have a great sponsor who refuses to let me rest on my laurels. Right now there are no face to face meetings but I am still able to attend meetings with my online home group Global Steps Alcoholics Anonymous that happens to meet in the our church In The Rooms an online recovery place which has so many other recovery program meetings for any addiction that you can imagine. I am working my steps and I am about to embark on my 4thStep which will demand true rigorous honesty on my part.
On my 90th day of recovery I purchased a brand new 2020 Mitsubishi Mirage. I would have never imagined that I would own a brand-new car. I am working a job that pays $10.50 an hour and yet I have no fear of economic insecurity. I am feeling a mental peace that I have never know even during my previous 2 1/2 years of sobriety between February 2014 and September 14th, 2016 when I turned 50 and unfortunately threw that sobriety away and have been struggling through relapses and recoveries over and over again.
In December 2019 my husband of almost 19 years at the time had open heart surgery and I did not handle it well at all. In fact, I wedged his truck in concrete barrier on Christmas Eve when I went out and got drunk – luckily, I was able to have it winched out and I drove it home. But that wasn’t enough. On New Year’s Eve I had no intention of drinking let alone getting drunk because I had to open the Dollar General that I worked at 7AM. Well I did get drunk, did not open the store and then proceeded on a bender due to the shame and remorse. On January second, I returned the keys to the store and as I was leaving, I did wreck my husband’s truck and damaged the right headlight and hood area. Again, going into another bender until the night of January 3rd when I had my last drink.
Next weekend I will be taking a rite of passage and taking a road trip in my brand-new car to Lamar, Missouri where I was born and spent summers and Christmases with my grandparents who are long gone. Sunday is May 10th, and in Mexico every and every so many years including this year is Mother’s Day. I will be going to have a conversation with my mother at her graveside as she passed on Mother’s Day May 10th 1998. But I will also be seeing my grandmothers and grandfathers, my brother and other relatives that have passed over the years. This trip I anticipate will be very cathartic and yes I NEED TO TAKE THIS TRIP, even during this troubling time in America I cannot allow my fears of another health issue to stand in my way of taking down a demon that has been such a huge part of my multiple journeys into relapsing and recovery.
This time I know that if I pick up one drink, I might as well just die because I do have another relapse in me that would be the most horrible of them all, BUT I DO NOT HAVE ANOTHER RECOVERY IN ME!!!!
That’s what’s in My Rattled Cage, thanks for stopping by!!!!
I hate for this year’s #AtoZChallenge2020 to end. Yet, here we are at the letter “Y”. Today I have chosen Jeremy Camp’s You Never Let Go from my Apple Music playlist. You never let go has always been an important reminder when I hear ti because no matter how far I fall into my alcoholism or addiction of cocaine., my Higher Power whom I choose to call God has never let go of me. Have I let go of him, many times. Yet, I always return to my faith and I know He never let’s go!!!!
That’s what’s in My Rattled Cage, thanks for stopping by!!!
Lyrics
Even though I walk through the valley
Of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I’m caught in the middle
Of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back, I know You are near
And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?
And oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
Every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go off me, yeah
And I can see a light that is coming
For the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We’ll live to know You here on the earth
And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?
And oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
Every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go off me, yeah
Yes, I can see a light that is coming
For the heart that holds on
There will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes, oh
Still I will praise You, Lord
Still I will praise You, Lord, oh
Singing, oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storms
Oh no, You never let go
Every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go off me, yeah, oh oh
Singing, oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
Every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go off me, yeah
You never let go off me, oh oh oh
You never let go off me, Lord
This week for #SLS Jim has prompted us with Home Town or City and this may be more challenging, because it is different from the usual prompts that has given us for Song Lyric Sunday. Pick a place that you consider to be your home town or city, or some place that you relate to and then try to find a song that mentions it.
I have lived in San Antonio, Texas since September 8, 1990. Since that time I have lived life to the fullest to include making many mistakes and having really great milestones. I turned 30, 40, 50 and all the ages in between those milestones in San Antonio. I met the love of my life in the summer of 1997 and didn’t know it at the time because we lost touch until January 2001 when we picked up where we never left off after he called information to get my telephone number because he needed a friend, , and have been together for over 19 years. I couldn’t ask for a better partner in life than my Cruzer!!! I earned my B.A. and M.A. in Communication both at The University of Texas at San Antonio.
Have I had my struggles in San Antonio, yes I have especially with alcoholism and addiction to cocaine. Learning that I was bipolar and have managed through years of deep depression. I have thrived not just survived living with HIV/AIDS since January 1997 (over 23 years). Now I am living through the strongest recovery from alcoholism and addiction than I have felt – there is just something different about this time around.
So, today I have chosen Tanya Tucker’s San Antonio Stroll and Bob Wills’ San Antonio Rose.
Lyrics
When I was a child down in South Caroline
Soon as Saturday sun went on down.
My folks and sister would go and leave me home all alone,
Going to that big square dance in town.
Well my old radio would play that old opry show,
So I never got lonesome or blue.
I’d fall asleep in my chair and dream that I was right there,
Just singing the whole night through.
When my folks would come home, they’d be humming a song,
Mama’d smile and say: “Child, don’t you know,
“There ain’t a thing in this world to make you fall in love girl,
“Like the San Antonio Stroll?”
Well the day finally come when my mama said, “Hun,
“It’s ’bout time you came with us as well.”
Well, I had me a time, yes, I danced all the night,
Till they rang that ol’ cracked-midnight bell.
Then the lights went down low, the fiddler picked up his bow,
And he played something stately and slow.
And my sister Eileen and her husband-to-be,
They held hands and began to stroll.
I’ve been away for a while, but it still brings a smile,
When I think of the way that it goes.
Now I’ll sing it to you just so we both can do,
That old San Antonio Stroll.
Yes, I’ll sing it to you just so we all can do,
That old San Antonio Stroll.
Deep within my heart lies a melody
A song of old San Antone
Where in dreams I live with a memory
Beneath the stars all alone
It was there I found beside the Alamo
Enchantment strange as the blue up above
A moonlit pass that only she would know
Still hears my broken song of love
Moon in all your splendor know only my heart
Call back my rose, rose of San Antone
Lips so sweet and tender like petals falling apart
Speak once again of my love, my own.
Broken song, empty words I know
Still live in my heart all alone
For that moonlit pass by the Alamo
And Rose, my Rose of San Antone
Deep within my heart lies a melody,
A song of old San Antone
Where in dreams I live with a memory
Beneath the stars all alone
It was there I found beside the Alamo
Enchantment strange as…
So this week has been a crazy week and so I am behind three days. Today I will be posting for the letters “N”, “O” and “P”. All in separate posts by the way. For the letter “N” for the #AtoZChallenge I have chosen one of my favorite songs by Miss Patti Labelle, New Attitude.
This song has always been one of my anthem, especially when I have gone through a really rough patch with alcoholism or cocaine addiction. It is so important that when a person falls into relapse or multiple relapses that each time they come back with new and stronger resolve and attitude regarding their recovery.
Often times addiction, alcoholism, depression, or any other host of mental or physical health issues can cause us to lose hope and feel defeated. I know from experience that it is so important to work hard at having the ability and wherewithal to never give up. That is why I have also seen For King and Country’s Never Give Up as another one of my anthems.
You can find the lyrics by clicking on the song titles. That’s what’s in My Rattled Cage, thanks for stopping by!!
Here we are at the letter “L” in the 2020 #AtoZChallenge. So, as I continue my musical journey through the alphabet, I am still sharing music that is in my extensive Apple Music collection.
Today I have chose a daily anthem for me during my recovery from alcoholism and cocaine addiction. It so important that I remain humble, open minded, willing to work and listen to others. because of this I choose Jeremy Camp’s Lay Down My Pride!!
That’s what’s in My Rattled Cage, thanks for stopping by!!
Lyrics
Every single word I say
You know it before I speak
You know every thought
The deepest part of me
You draw me closer then I see
Your presence is everything I need
To be the child that you’ve created me to be
I’m ready now to see it your way
I lay down my pride
My desire’s my demise
I’m ready now to see it your way
I’m done, I’m through ignoring you, now it’s true
I’m kneeling at the cross of your grace
I lay down my pride
I was faced with passing time
But I knew the choice was mine
To finally come to you and give you all control
I’ve wandered miles to find my way
And then you revealed this simple faith
I know that you can see the secrets of my soul
The cross, the blood you shed for me
Your back was ripped and bruised
So I can know your love
I am loving participating in the 2020 #AtoZChallenge. So on my musical journey through the alphabet, I am sharing music that is in my extensive Apple Music collection. Today I have chosen For King and Country’s – Fight on Fighter.
This song is so important to me because all my life I have been a fighter. Whether it be from when I was little dealing with never enough love from either parent, to their divorcing and my being sent to The Devereaux Foundation in Victoria, Texas for three years because one parent didn’t want me and the other could not handle me. To my struggles with committing stupid property crimes in my teens and going to the Texas prison system 3 different times by the time I turned 22. To my struggles with alcoholism and cocaine addiction during adulthood. I have always been a fighter and my faith in my Higher Power whom I choose to call God has always got me through stronger than ever. Here I am at 53 and the 9th Step Promises are coming true because I am doing this ONE DAY AT A TIME!!
That’s what’s in My Rattled Cage, thanks for stopping by!!!
Lyrics
I was there on the day that you were changed
You were scared and prepared for the heartbreak
Everything you knew faded out of view
Stole a piece of you
If I could, oh, I would be a hero
Be the one who would take all the arrows
Save you from the pain, carry all the weight
But I know that you’re brave
Fight on, fighter
Don’t let anyone steal your fire
Fight on, fighter
The Spirit is alive inside ya, yeah
There’s a part that you hold that you lock down
Let it breathe, give it wings, set it free now
Time to make ya walk, break the prison bars
Show them who you are
Fight on, fighter
Don’t let anyone steal your fire
Fight on, fighter
The Spirit is alive inside ya, yeah
Stronger than you than you ever thought
I know you’re stronger
Braver than you were before
You know you’re braver
Oh, no, you don’t have to be afraid
Together we’ll face it
So don’t ever stop no matter what
‘Cause you’re gonna make it
Fight on, fighter
Don’t let anyone steal your fire
Fight on, fighter
The Spirit is alive inside ya, yeah
Fight on, fighter
Don’t let anyone steal your fire
Fight on, fighter
The Spirit is alive inside ya, yeah
For today’s #AtoZChallenge I have chosen Chainbreaker by ZachWilliams. Such an important song for those struggling with alcoholism, addiction, depression, being bipolar or any type of personal issue that keeps you chained down.
That’s what’s in My Rattled Cage, thanks for stopping by!!
Lyrics
If you’ve been walking the same old road for miles and miles
If you’ve been hearing the same old voice tell the same old lies
If you’re trying to feel the same old holes inside
There’s a better life
There’s a better life
If you’ve got pain
He’s a pain taker
If you feel lost
He’s a way maker
If you need freedom or saving
He’s a prison-shaking Savior
If you’ve got chains
He’s a chain breaker
We’ve all search for the light of day in the dead of night
We’ve all found ourselves worn out from the same old fight
We’ve all run to things we know just ain’t right
And there’s a better life
There’s a better life
If you’ve got pain
He’s a pain taker
If you feel lost
He’s a way maker
If you need freedom or saving
He’s a prison-shaking Savior
If you’ve got chains
He’s a chain breaker
If you believe it
If you receive it
If you can feel it
Somebody testify
If you believe it
If you receive it
If you can feel it
Somebody testify, testify
If you believe it
If you receive it
If you can feel it
Somebody testify
If you’ve got pain
He’s a pain taker
If you feel lost
He’s a way maker
If you need freedom or saving
He’s a prison-shaking Savior
If you’ve got chains
He’s a chain breaker
If you need freedom or saving
He’s a prison-shaking Savior
If you’ve got chains
He’s a chain breaker
I watch the news once a day, normally in the morning between 6 & 7, because if you watch more than that you are only seeing regurgitation of the exact same stories and film at noon, 4, 4:30, 5, 6, 9 and 10.
Every single media outlet is in my opinion inciting more fear, stress, depression and triggers for individuals over the COVID-19 pandemic.
It also does not help that the current occupant of the White House must be in front of the cameras everyday with the people whose noses are so far up his tail and they are constantly praising his leadership!
I have not seen a true president, he has not calmed the country nor the economy down throughout the pandemic thus far. He continues his xenophobic ways by calling COVID-19 the Chinese virus, which does nothing but cause more xenophobic behavior in our country.
COVID-19 does not discriminate as we can see, it is unfortunate that the first truly reported hotspot was in Wuhan China. We must be better than we have been and remember that “BUT FOR THE GRACE OF GOD, THERE GOES I!!!”
San Antonio is about to be pretty much shut down in the effort to prevent the spread of this horrific virus. Cruz and I are okay with this. Will we hurt financially, possibly but we both have our own underlying health issues and need to be careful. We will continue to live our normal lives and keep as much of our routines as possible.
I also lovingly say, if HIV/AIDS hasn’t killed me in over 23 years and my alcoholism and cocaine addiction off and on over the last nine years hasn’t killed me – no COVID-19 is gonna kill me either!!! I WILL NOT BE SHAKEN!!!
Cruz and I send our thoughts and prayers to everyone everywhere being affected in any way because of COVID-19
That’s what’s in My Rattled Cage, thanks for stopping by!!!
There's a new sun burning, and soft fruits ripening, my precious grizzled tresses tumbling, Dylan's humming 'The times they are a changing', these parting verses are mere shadows merging ...
My Rattled Cage - What has me rattled today? 