Tag Archives: alcoholic

Very Late #SoCS 6/13/20 – Nail

I apologize for posting this entry for #SoCS for 6/13/20, for which Linda provided the prompt of NAIL on Wednesday 6/17/20, however I have been wanting to write this post but I just did not have a chance to do so until now. A lot happened in the last week that has definitely been a great thing. Since losing my job on May 28th I have been utilizing every job site and even stepped out of my box and applied at 7-11 and Circle K.

Long story short I applied to a local 7-11 franchise store and the owner texted me on Wednesday 6/10 and asked me to come in. I went in on Thursday morning 6/11, they spoke to me for five minutes and then handed me a new hire packet which I brought home and filled out. I returned the packet a little later that morning and that afternoon, I was the schedule for Friday from 8 AM – 4 PM. I did my first day of training on Friday and then Friday I was asked to go in for my normal graveyard shift because someone had called in, and I did. I am adjusting to the new work schedule as well as new sleep schedule while still maintaining my normal activities to ensure I do not allow the proverbial nail of drinking to creep into my mind.

As I often write about the fact that I am and will always be an alcoholic. My being an alcoholic is not the nail in my framework or the proverbial coffin. That nail becomes real if I ever begin to think that I have this disease licked or if I ever determine that I drink like a normal person. If I ever pick up that first drink I will truly be putting that nail into my coffin because, while I may have another drunken bender in me – I do not have another recovery in me and I do I believe that the disease of alcohol will kill me before the HIV/AIDS that I have thriving with, not just surviving with for 23 years or anything else that is within my control.

As long as I am doing the right things – talking to my sponsor, attending both face to face with the Goliad Group or the LAMBDA Group here in San Antonio and online meetings of Global Steps Alcoholics Anonymous on In The Rooms, doing service in those groups by chairing meetings – greeting in meetings – and sharing in meetings, continuing in my Catholic faith and asking my Higher Power whom I choose to call God to help me each day JUST FOR TODAY to help keep me sober and to do HIS WILL and not my own, and thanking my Higher Power at the end of the day for doing so – then I will be able to ensure that the proverbial NAIL of alcoholism and taking that first drink will not come.

So today “No Matter What It Takes” I will do it to ensure that I do not put that proverbial NAIL in any aspect of my life. Please enjoy this lyric video of Jeremy Camp’s No Matter What It Takes.

That’s what’s in My Rattled Cage, thanks for stopping by!!

Love Is In Da Blog 18 ~ My Favourite Queer Love Song – “Proud”

From 2000 – 2005 I was obsessed with ShowTime’s American version of “Queer as Folk” . There were so many moments throughout that just reinforced the lyrics to Heather Small’s “Proud” from 2005. The song was re-released after it was used in the London 2012 Olympics Bid. This music video contains footage from the Olympics Bid which includes many famous actors, presenters and sports people from the UK.
What I have done today to make me feel proud is to remind myself of the self truth that I am an Alcoholic and I cannot do it on my own because I have been down that road and it never works!!!

I look into the window of my mind
Reflections of the fears I know I’ve left behind
I step out of the ordinary
I can feel my soul ascending
I am on my way
Can’t stop me now
And you can do the same
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
It’s never too late to try
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
You could be so many people
If you make that break for freedom
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
Still so many answers I don’t know
Realize that to question is how we grow
So I step out of the ordinary
I can feel my soul ascending
I am on my way
Can’t stop me now
And you can do the same
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
It’s never too late to try
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
You could be so many people
If you make that break for freedom
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
We need a change
Do it today
I can feel my spirit rising
We need a change
So do it today
Cause I can see a clear horizon
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
So what have you done today to make you feel proud?
Cause you could be so many people
If you make that break for freedom
So what have you done today to make you feel proud?
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
What have you done today
You could be so many people?
Just make that break for freedom
So what have you done today to make you feel proud?
Songwriters: Heather Small / Peter Vettese


Love Is In Da Blog 18 ~ My Favourite Queer Love Song

#JusJoJan 2019 – Jan. 17th – Inch


When I saw the prompt for today, I immediately thought of the adage -” If you give them an inch, they will take a mile!”. This in turn took me to what I as an alcoholic and addict realized to be so true.

My husband and I will be celebrating 18 years on Valentine’s Day and I will be honest with you, I don’t know how he does it. I guess part of how he does is that we deal with his own issue of hoarding which times has often been the bane of my existence. So, we both put up with being given an inch and taking a mile regarding our issues, both individually and together. Then I also found another very relevant thought which is below.

“Be careful with how much you tolerate. You are teaching them how to treat you!”

I truly believe that statement to be true. Because he has been so much a codependent and part of the rationalism problem, he has continued to give inch after inch after inch and I have continued to take mile after mile after mile because he tolerated it and taught me how to treat him. That is all about to change for good!!!

The most I really tolerate is the hoarding, because I truly have been blessed with someone that for the most part has been a wonderful partner who loves me for all my faults and of course loves our Crissy, Little Bitty, Zailey, Sadie and Stitchy.

He on the other hand has really had to deal with not only my bouts with alcoholism and addiction, but he also had to deal with my mental illness issues of depression and being bipolar. The diagnosis of bipolar and the depression were not diagnosed until I was 47 which was five years ago. Yet they had always been there I just never had a name for them. My manic episodes have run gamut of extremely happy and getting things done to OMG – where is this coming from and what do I do.

I believe that unfortunately because of my addictive personality and all the other issues, I truly was one to take a mile when he gave me an inch – and not just once! This has been a recurring theme in our relationship, and somehow, he has left nor has he kicked me out the house, that he reminds often when I am on one of my rants due to drinking, that he bought for me. This last weekend began, what I had put on the calendar a few weeks ago, the purge. I have been trying to barter with him using my wanting to really work on my addictive issues if he would just start getting rid of all the crap that has taken up his bedroom, my dining room, our two-story garage and a storage unit – that he will never use. 

He worked all day Saturday and all-day Sunday and made some progress on his room. I do believe the work will continue, it may take several months but I do believe that at some point we will done with all the crap that will never be used and I pray that I keep my side of the bargain because I am truly tired of dealing with the addiction issues. The bipolarism and depression are doable with medication, but the alcoholism or other addiction issues are no longer wanted or needed.

That’s what’s in “My Rattled Cage”, thanks for stopping by!!!


#JusJoJan 2019 – Jan. 17th – Inch

Blogging from A to Z April 2018: Orthopedic


Blogging from A to Z April 2018

I have written previously about having surgery to repair my torn rotator cuff and my displaced bicep tendon in my dominant shoulder, my right shoulder. This surgery took place just about ten weeks ago on January 23rd, 2018. Since that time I am surprising myself at how well and rapidly my healing and rehabilitation is happening. This Wednesday I have an appointment with my orthopedic surgeon Dr. John R. Green III with the University of Texas Health Science Center in San Antonio Medical Arts and Research Center.

John R Trey Green     UTHSCMARC

I truly believe that Dr. Green will be so proud and happy with the progress that I have made and my incredible progress with my range of motion. I am able to move my right arm/ shoulder all the way up in the air, I can swing it to and fro and have done quite a bit of physical therapy by way of my edging of four yards with my Ryobi battery operated trimmer. The back and forth motion has been so therapeutic. I also am able to bend my arm and reach almost all the way up past the middle of my back. I also am able to grasp, pick up and carry items that are no more than 10 pounds. So yes, I am very pleased with my progress.

My concern now is that my left hip has gotten so bad and the pain is constant and at an 8 – 10 on the pain scale. My normal orthopedic doctor Brad Hall once again gave me a steroidal injection on 3/27/18 and ordered X-Rays of both hips as they are both giving me issues. By the way the injection did not even last for two weeks. Dr. Hall told me to have Dr. Green review the x-rays so that we can determine if there is a possible surgical procedure to correct whatever the issue is with my left hip. All I know is that I am tired of being in constant pain and as a recovering alcoholic and cocaine addict, there are days that I just want it to end forever – no matter how that may be. I am still clean and sober, but boy do I need relief.

That’s what’s in “My Rattled Cage” today, thanks for stopping by!!!




Daily Post & Blogging from A to Z April 2018 Challenge: Inchoate

pod-2018-md          The Daily Post: Inchoate 


           Blogging from A to Z April 2018 Challenge

The Merriam Webster Dictionary defines the adjective inchoate as being only partly in existence or operation or imperfectly formed or formulated.

This word is very interesting to me and fits into two aspects of my life. As a recovering alcoholic and cocaine addict diagnosed with bipolar affectation disorder with depression that often is deep and long, I feel as though I am inchoate. You see when I am deep in my disease of alcoholism and addiction, often brought on by my mental illness issues, I feel as though my existence is nonexistent. Does this make sense?

As a gay man who knew at the age of six that he was different and has had many struggles over the years, I have also felt as though I was imperfectly formed mentally and otherwise. However, when I became strong in my faith in my Higher Power whom I choose to call God, I realized that I am not imperfectly formed. I am just how God intended for me to be. I am a 51-year-old gay man that has been married to his husband for over 17 years, with seven dogs and I have been thriving not just surviving with HIV/AIDS for over 21 years. All of this along with my demons of alcoholism and addiction and the mental illness are just facets of my life for which I ask God to continue to help me remain clean and sober just for today, while asking for his grace to be over me at all times.

The second aspect is my writing. I love to write and have many things that I can write about. The issue is that because I do not write every day or as much as I would like my writing may sometimes be inchoate. Yet writing is an art form that improves with time and content. I am a personal writer, I have some pretty strong political opinions that for some reason have held back on, and I am not afraid to share who am with any because my story may actually help someone else struggling in the same areas.

This is what is in “My Rattled Cage” today, thanks for stopping by!!


#JusJoJan Daily Prompt – January 19th, 2018 – Darkness


This post is part of #JusJoJan Daily Prompt – January 19th, 2018.


As a recovering alcoholic and cocaine addict I have heard the statement above hundreds of times. Unfortunately it make take multiple times before the dawn sticks. The fact of the matter is that until this darkness comes most of us who struggle will not take the first step in admitting there is a problem.  But once we do and we truly mean business the dawn and new and fulfilling life without alcohol and drugs is very possible. We just have to work extremely hard, rid ourselves of PEOPLE – PLACES – THINGS, surround ourselves with a support system that is unfailing, get into some support program such as Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous or any type of program that will work for us. I attend online meetings with Global Steps Alcoholics Anonymous through IntheRooms.com which is a great accompaniment to face to face meetings. I also have The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, 24 Hours a Day, According to Bill, Daily Reflections, Living Sober and several more books that are personal stories of those who came before me.

This blog is not nor will it ever be a religious preachy blog. But I will tell you that you may often read items about my faith and how it intertwines and continues to mold my life. The great thing about 12 step programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous is that they are SPIRITUALLY based but they are not religious. For those struggling with their spirituality anything or anyone can be their Higher Power. I choose to call my Higher Power God because I am a very spiritual and faithful Catholic. That does not mean that my faith has not been tested and shaken because of my personal demons. I do know that when I am right with my faith and my spirit all things are possible through my Higher Power.

I am a work in progress – PROGRESS not PERFECTION and that is all I can be on a daily basis. I once had 2 1/2 years clean and sober. Over the last year and a half I have changed my sobriety date more times than I care to admit. Today I have 45 days clean and sober. I know that when I went to my ACTS Retreat 11/30 -12/2 I had a most extraordinary faith affirming, transformational and life changing experience. I have said in previous posts that I have heard many times to leave your burdens on the alter. At that retreat I prayed, I meditated and I left my alcoholism and cocaine addiction on the Alter of the Tabernacle. Since the retreat I have been blessed to not have the incessant crippling obsession – no desire – and no thoughts. That being said I am still working my program and continuously asking my Higher Power to assist me in remaining clean and sober.



That is what is in My Rattled Cage today!

#JusJotJan – January 7th, 2018 – Indelible


This post is part of #JusJotJan 1/7/2018 – Inedelible.

What a great word for the prompt. As a recovery alcoholic and cocaine addict I look back and see many great and horrible memories of all my antics and yet none of them are truly indelible.

What is and will always be indelible to me is how transformational, faith affirming and life changing my experience was during the St. Cecilia Catholic Church and Mission Concepcion ACTS Retreat that I attended 11/30/17-12/3/2017. The speakers who shared about Adoration, Community, Theology and Service were extremely powerful. The activities that we participated in were very faith affirming. But for me, the most indelible memory for me is that I left my alcoholism and cocaine addiction at the Alter of the Tabernacle along with some health issues that I have also been struggling with.

Since the retreat my faith, which has always been strong but has a times wavered, has just been increased tenfold, my wanting to increase service to not only my church St. Cecilia Catholic but my parish as well. The greatest thing to come out of attending the retreat is that since the retreat I have no desire nor the crippling obsession for alcohol or cocaine. Along with this several of those physical health concerns regarding my lower back etc. have pretty much disappeared!!

God is good all the time!! All the time, God is good!!!

This is what is hanging out in “My Rattled Cage”!


Extremely Late SoCS 10/7/17 – Save/Safe

This is an extremely late entry into Linda G. Hill’s SoCS for 10/7/2017.

My disclaimer for my lateness is that on Saturday and Sunday we had volunteers and contractors here from the City of San Antonio Office of Historic Preservation and the Students Together Achieving Revitalization with students from The University of Texas at San Antonio’s College of Architecture  and students from San Antonio College doing minor reservations and painting our house and our next neighbors house who is 80 years old, I have been doing her lawn maintenance for over 16 years.

The first four pictures of the house are the before pictures, the last three are the after pictures after day one.

That being said sometimes a huge save comes into your life or a huge save is removed from your life that will keep you safe as long as you allow it too. No this is not riddle, I received a save when after earning (3) points having one absence on 8/25/17 due to throwing out my lower back; leaving work at 2pm on 9/12/17 and being out on 9/13/17 and getting a doctor’s note because of extreme pain that intensified when I inhaled – turned out being a bruised rib in my back; and leaving at noon on 10/4/17 with doctor’s orders to be out on 10/5 and 10/6 with abdominal pain and diarrhea which turns out I had viral gastroenteritis which is highly contagious from what the doctor says.

You the save came when I received notification that because I reached three points in my 90 day probationary period I was terminated from Unifirst Corporation, where I was an outbound appointment setter calling businesses to get the sales representatives foot in the door at businesses across the country. I was not very good at it and I did not receive the full tools that I needed to perform the job, even while reaching out to my boss several times. I say that this save will keep me safe because I was becoming extremely stressed and we all know that for a recovering alcoholic / addict stress is a huge TRIGGER.


This is what is in “My Rattled Cage”.

SoCS 9/16/17 – Evolving


This post is a late submission for SoCS 9/16/17 -VOL


So on Thursday September 14th I turned 51. For my One Liner Wednesday post I stated that  after my crappy 50th year, I hoped that my 51st year would be one hell of a lot better. How will that happen? I have remind myself daily that as a recovering alcoholic and recovering cocaine addict I am constantly evolving.

Part of the process of evolving is making sure that I remember to stay away from the 3 “P’s” – people, places and things that cause those triggers to come to the surface. I always tell my husband that I am and always will be a work in progress. There will never be a time when I will not be evolving.


That is what is My Rattled Cage!!!


One Liner Wednesday 9/13/17 – This Crappy 50th Year

This post is part of Linda G. Hill’s One Liner Wednesday!

This CRAPPY 50th year will be over tomorrow when this very grateful HIV+/AIDS having individual thriving not surviving, recovering alcoholic and recovering cocaine addict turns 51, HAPPY BIRTHDAY to me and may the 51st year be one hell of a lot better!!!!!