Category Archives: recovery

life, recovery

How do you know when to let go of people, places and things?

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I posted this yesterday on InTheRooms.com.

We hear at least once in every meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous we hear that we have to change PEOPLE, PLACES and THINGS.

What if one of those people is yourself?

As people in recovery, we have to be very aware of what all of our triggers are.

For me one of my biggest triggers lately is the amount of sobriety time I have. I just celebrated 29 months of sobriety and it has begun to make me ever sensitive. You are probably asking why now?

It was right about this amount of time during my original time of sobriety of February 2014 – September 14, 2016 that I became very unhappy with working a program. I got angry at folks in my home group the Goliad here in San Antonio. I got angry with individuals in my online home group Global Steps Alcoholics Anonymous that happens to meet on the platform of InTheRooms.com. To be honest with you I still have no idea what made me angry. Probably my own PERSONALITY over PRINCIPLES – IMAGINE THAT! All I know is that, because I was angry I stopped attending meetings – which in turn meant I was not sharing in meetings. I quit doing any type of service work, including the monthly BBQ which I used to thoroughly enjoyed.

Because I quit working any type of program, let alone THE PROGRAM of Alcoholics Anonymous, I allowed myself to throw every bit of what I had gained during that 2 1/2 years of sobriety. I will never say I lost anything, I will say I threw it away and gave it all away for what. To spend the next 3 1/2 years in and out of relapse and recovery?

What is really wonderful today is that I am fully mentally aware of all of my triggers. I am aware when I harm others with my words or actions and I am able to immediately make amends to them. I am able to see when I am feeling some kind of way and I can address it through sharing in meetings or picking up the phone and calling someone. One of my biggest triggers right now is that some things have happened that are causing that fear of economic insecurity to begin to creep back in. I am writing about it, I am talking about it therefore I am increasing my armor against that chink appearing and allowing my disease of alcoholism and addiction to continue to do push-ups and pull-ups waiting for an opening.

I am working the program and I will continue to do what I know to do and utilize all of the tools in this wonderful tool box that has been given to me so freely!!

Thank you for being a part of my recovery!

That’s what’s in “My Rattled Cage”, thanks for stopping by!!

life, recovery

Do we come by our Alcoholism or Addictions naturally?

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I posted this on In The Rooms on June 15th, 2021.

I didn’t have my first drink until I was 17. Being in Texas I lived through the change in drinking age where it was 18 and then it changes to 21. But it really did not mean a thing to me because I was not a big drinker way back then.

When I was little, I remember my parents drinking occasionally. It was not until my father had an affair and moved out that I noticed that my mother drank much more. I never knew until my 40’s that I learned from my maternal grandmother that alcoholism does run in our family. My mother’s father had a problem with drinking, but he had the wherewithal to just put it down after my grandma gave him the ultimatum “You have until I come home at 3:30pm to decide between being at home with her and the kids and leaving for his beer.” As grandma told it, he never had another beer until they came to see us in Hawaii and we went to a baseball game and my dad wanted to buy him a beer and my grandma told him “You can have ONE beer” and that is all he had and never had another drop of alcohol until the day of his death April 2, 1976, at the age of 59.

I honestly did not become a big drinker until I got out of prison in 1990. I spent some time in a halfway house and then I got my own apartment and a job at Pizza Hut. I started making friends and then it happened that one night I had come home from the Houston area from seeing my family during Christmas 1990 when a man in a convertible offered me a ride home. As we were talking, he began to tell me how good looking I was and asked if I went out to the bars. I told him no, I didn’t know where they were. He proceeded to tell me that I would never have to buy my own drinks because of several reasons, but particularly one reason that is neither here nor there.

If I had known then what I know now and grew to know over so many years of relapse and recovery about how much alcoholism ran in my family, perhaps I could have derailed that train. That train was not derailed, in fact it took off like a speeding locomotive all because of how I was made to feel at the gay bars. Not only did the alcoholism and drug use grow exponentially over the years so did the sexual addiction to the point that I wreaked more havoc on my life by contracting HIV on a one night stand while in a long term relationship with my first partner in San Antonio.

At the same time, I saw my mother sinking further into the disease, not knowing what it was and being the biggest enabler for her because I used to take her out to the gay bars and help get her drunk. I bought her alcohol in my home and just did not realize how far down the rabbit hole my mother was and how naturally I came by this disease. Unfortunately, my mother’s drinking did not subside, and she passed away in part because of this disease on Mother’s Day May 10th, 1998. You would think that at that point knowing then what she went through, I would have gotten my act together. But, no, my drinking and using just got worse over the years even during my now over 21 1/2-year marriage to the most loving and caring individual that did not deserve my shenanigans over the years.

I am no longer ashamed to admit that I worked hard for sobriety from 2014 to September 14, 2016, and then threw that away when I quit doing everything I knew how to do. Today I am so proud to have over 28 months of sobriety because I now work and live “THE PROGRAM” of Alcoholics Anonymous – I no longer work and live “GREGORY’S PROGRAM” of Alcoholics Anonymous! I LOVE THIS PROGRAM and I will KEEP COMING BACK!

I now know that yes, this DISEASE is genetically acquired, and I have a choice today. I CHOOSE TO BE SOBER JUST FOR TODAY!!!!

That’s what’s in “My Rattled Cage”, thanks for stopping by!!

life, recovery

How do I live with myself in Sobriety?

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I wrote this blog on September 7th, 2021 for a topic in a meeting that I was chairing and I posted on my profile on InTheRooms.com I wanted to share it here.

As usual I was sitting in a meeting in my other home group Global Steps A.A. and boom there it hit me.

How do I live with MYSELF in SOBRIETY?

This can be either a perfect question to answer or an extremely loaded question depending on whether or not we are WORKING THE PROGRAM OF ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS.

When I was drinking and using, I did not have the capacity to live with myself. I was trying to kill myself through all of the drinking and using that I did. I couldn’t stand who I was and not because I was gay; not because I had been thriving not just surviving with HIV/AIDS since January 1997; not because of issues that I was having with jobs, my husband and my family; I just couldn’t live with myself and I wanted to be gone.

That all changed this time around on January 4, 2020 when I woke up and said ENOUGH is ENOUGH! I truly meant it when I said I AM SICK AND TIRED of being SICK AND TIRED. I dived right in and became determined to WORK THE PROGRAM of ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS and not work Gregory’s program any longer, because Gregory’s program has never worked.

So today, I am able to LIVE WITH MYSELF IN SOBRIETY. I am able to live with myself in sobriety because of all of those things mentioned above and the wonderful living amends that I have been making to my family, my job, and of course myself. You see living with myself began by me starting with FORGIVENESS for myself and to stop blaming others for everything else that I have done to myself and to them. I guarantee that anything that I did to them was not caused by them, it was caused by my own actions or inactions during my drinking and using.

Today, I may have tough days, but my worst days sober are so much more livable than my best days drinking and using. Today I look in the mirror and I say thank you to my Higher Power for granting me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change – I am an Alcoholic -; the courage to change the things I can – I do not have to drink or use today -; the wisdom to know the difference – the ability to step back and breathe when things are not going my way.

Today, I LOVE ME, ALL OF ME and I don’t care what anyone else thinks of me, why? Because if they ain’t paying my bills, I pay them no mind!!!!

Because of all of my fellows, my Higher Power whom I choose to call GOD and working the PROGRAM – I will stay SOBER JUST FOR TODAY!!

That’s what’s in “My Rattled Cage”, thanks for stopping by!!

life, recovery

HAPPY BIRTHDAY – PRIDE in A.A. on InTheRooms.com Turns 1 Year Old

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If you are looking for a place to enhance your recovery online then look no further than InTheRooms.com. InTheRooms (ITR) has every type of recovery group and meeting that an individual could think of. We are proud to now be able to offer a new group called Pride in AA on InTheRooms.com. 

AA for members of the LGBTQ+ community.

Pride In AA closed Alcoholics Anonymous group is dedicated to members of the LGBTQ+ community and their ALLIES. We endeavor to create a feel-safe place where you can be comfortable in sharing, discussing and growing in recovery. It’s a place to share about the disease of alcoholism and how that relates to identification as LGBTQ+ and ALLY community membership. Joining the closed group does not mean you are disclosing that or how you identify. It is just joining a closed group that you feel will help you continue your growth in recovery together with others. We do this together!

A feel-safe place.

When the COVID-19 Pandemic hit we in recovery were hit hard. Face-to-face meetings were shut down and online meetings became front and center in recovery. Prior to the pandemic meetings specifically for LGBTQ+ and ALLIES could be found in pretty much every large city. In fact, a popular search site is Gay and Sober which is an international meeting search site.

While the AA Group on ITR is very inclusive, not all LGBTQ+ individuals feel they are able to truly open up and discuss all aspects of their recovery. For many, their alcoholism, recovery and their identifying as LGBTQ+ are intertwined. It is so important for those who identify as LGBTQ+ or as an ALLY to feel 100% able to be rigorously honest with themselves and others. It is important to discuss their solutions to internalized stigma and not feeling comfortable speaking in open meetings. Lack of familial support is also a reality for many in the LGBTQ+ community and as More About Alcoholism states – we could add to this list ad infinitum.

Where and when?

This group has been meeting on Tuesdays at 9PM EST since May 18th, 2021. If you are in need of a meeting to be you, please go to In The Rooms and become a member. Once there you can click on the Pride in A.A. Group link from this blog and request to join. We hope to see you there. 

If you would like to join the group just search for Pride In AA in the groups option and request to join. If you would like to reach out to us you can by emailing prideinaa2021@gmail.com. We look forward to meeting you at Pride in AA on InTheRooms.com.

That is what’s in “My Rattled Cage”, thanks for stopping by!!

life, recovery

Has it REALLY been over a YEAR?

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I was doing a project for my job recently and I wanted to include my blog link on the project. When I went to my blog, I was like “has it REALLY been over a YEAR since I have written anything?” Then to top it all off I could not log into my account. Luckily, I was able to gain access today thanks to what they are now calling Happiness Engineers at WordPress.

I have missed so much in this last year as far as my writing goes. I have missed writing for SoCS. I missed participating in The Bee Writes’ “Love is in Da Blog 2022”. I missed writing in this year’s Blogging from A to Z in April. I have also missed writing for Song Lyric Sunday. I plan to get right back into my writing now that I have access to my account and my blog!!

So much has happened in the last year. Most importantly I recently celebrated 28 months of SOBRIETY. I am still very much involved with InTheRooms doing lots of service work. In April of last year I created the Pride in A.A. Group on In The Rooms and on Tuesday nights I chair the Pride in A.A. meeting at 9pm EST/8pm CST, this meeting started meeting the first week of May of last year.

After Mother’s Day last year I upgraded from my 2020 Mitsubishi Mirage to a 2021 Mitsubishi Outlander. In October I traveled to McDonald, Tennessee to see my father and stepmother and went to Memphis to go to Graceland on my mother’s birthday October 6th. While in Memphis, on the night of October 5th some nice folks in stole the catalytic converter off of my brand new car. Francesca, that is my car’s name, got stuck in Memphis until December 11th when I returned to pick her up. I still finished my travels in a rental Dodge Ram, that was fun since I am not a truck person. My brand new car already has 22,000 miles on it even though it sat in Memphis for a little over two months.

I am still working with my favorite place to be employed, my home away from home, The University of Texas at San Antonio. Cruz and I just celebrated our 21st anniversary in February. We still have 6 dogs – Crissy, Little Bitty, Zailey, Stitchy, Marcy and Lucy.

Other life has happened as well. My brother in law who has been in my life since I was 11 continued fighting his courageous battle with brain cancer. During this battle I was able to be the brother I am supposed to be by traveling back and forth to the Santa Fe, Texas/League City, Texas area to be there for my sister and brother in law and to do whatever I possibly could for them. Unfortunately earlier this year the cancer had metastasized so badly in his liver and other areas that it was determined to stop treatment. That was in February. On April 28th he passed away at the age of 62.

I am truly blessed that I had the wherewithal, courage and determination to get up on January 4, 2020 and say that I was SICK AND TIRED OF BEING SICK AND TIRED, I pray for the last time. Had that not happened I would not have been able to be there for my sister and brother in law. I am so extremely blessed to have the family that I have and my friends and wonderful colleagues.

That is what is in “My Rattled Cage” , thanks for stopping by!!!

life, recovery

A DIFFERENT KIND OF BIRTHDAY!!!

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Today I celebrate 1 Year of SOBRIETY!!!

I have done it by working THE PROGRAM of ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS and remembering that I cannot keep what I do not give away freely!!

I thank my family and friends for their undying support, and my family at my home group the Goliad and Global Steps AAthat happens to meet in the hall of In The Rooms.

That’s what’s in My Rattled Cage, thanks for stopping by!!

recovery

Happy Mother’s Day!!! – 5/10/20

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HappyMothersDay20

Today I write this post from my birthplace, Lamar, Missouri. I drove up yesterday so that I could lay flowers at my mother’s grave who passed 22 years ago today on May 10, 1998 which just so happened to be Mother’s Day.

This trip was one I needed to take because I have never been at my mother’s grave alone and so I have never had the chance to have a long conversation with her and tell her that I no longer blame her for all the things that happened to me as I was growing up nor for the choices that I have made as an adult. I have always held resentments towards her and my father because they did not know how to raise or handle a boy. I used to think they never wanted a boy.  I now truly believe my parents did the best they could with who they were and what they had.

I currently have a sobriety date of January 4, 2020. I can say that I see a definite change in my attitudes towards my resentments towards my parents, even my resentments towards myself in regards to my struggles with relapses and journeys into recovery from alcoholism and addiction to cocaine. While yes I do have the genetic gene I believe for alcoholism and other addictive behaviors, I am at a point now where I have turned everything over to my Higher Power whom I choose to call God. I am already beginning to see differences in my mental attitudes and my spirituality is just growing even stronger.

As long as I remember daily that I cannot drink like other people and I cannot pick up that first drink ever, then I will also remember that recovery is a JUST FOR TODAY program. I only have to live my life in recovery ONE DAY AT A TIME!! So, I have let go and I am letting God guide me for His will to be done daily and not my own. I am seeing those 9th Step Promises coming true!!

That’s what’s in My Rattled Cage, thanks for stopping by!!

recovery

In Recovery? Need a meeting? Here is a supplemental tool for your toolbox

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I send my thoughts, hugs and prayers to all who are being affected by the issues with COVID 19. If you are in recovery, as I am,  from any type of addiction and your face to face meetings at your home group have been cancelled for the time being, there is a great alternative and supplement to face to face meetings.

Please visit In The Rooms, where you will find meeting rooms for pretty much every type of addiction. I am a member and I also have my online home group Global Steps AA which has 64 meetings per week on In The Rooms. God bless and remember it is ONE DAY at a TIME and JUST FOR TODAY!!!

That’s what’s in My Rattled Cage, thanks for stopping by!!

recovery

#LifeHappens

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So, I haven’t posted a regular blog post since July 19th, 2019. If you have read my blog in the past, you know that it is a very personal blog having to do with many topics most of which deal with my struggles with relapse and journeys into recovery from alcohol abuse and cocaine abuse.

This post is no different. Since July I have definitely had my struggles with alcoholism. That being said, I have not had a desire nor have I used cocaine since November 2018.

I currently have 70 days sober and I believe that this time is very different because of some very stressful things that happened to my husband of 19 years. In October we learned that he had 85% or higher blockage in three arteries which led to triple bypass surgery on December 17th, 2019. I handled the surgery well and Cruz came out with awesome results. The surgery took less time than expected and he was released from the hospital in 4 days.

I was fine for the first week and then on Christmas Eve while Cruz was starting his recovery at his mother’s for the next six weeks, I had the bright idea to go out to a bar at 11:30PM. I did not go to the bar to hook up, I just needed to be around people, and I did close the bar. When I left I ended up getting Cruz’s truck stuck in a ditch, no damage to the vehicle but I had to have it winched out the next morning. I did not go see him and his mother on Christmas Day because of the shame and guilt I felt for going out and the truck issue.

I did go see him on his birthday 12/30 and we did our Christmas and his birthday. I took him and his mother a full spaghetti dinner. On New Year’s Eve I had vowed I was not going to drink because I had to open my Dollar General Store at 8AM on New Year’s Day. Well that did not work out and I never made it to work and was terminated. When I went to drop off my store keys on 01/02, as I was pulling out of the parking lot I was so upset and not paying attention that I hit a light pole as I was leaving and did damage the front right headlight and hood area of Cruz’s truck. I was not drinking when this happened.

I again isolated for two days and drank like a fish because of shame and guilt. On January 3rd, I had my last drink and I have been working a strong program. I am making online meetings at In The Rooms and I have found a new home group LAMBDA Group that I started attending on January 09th and saw someone I have known for years pick up their 20 Year Chip. I am loving this group and make a face to face at least once a week. After that first LAMBDA Group meeting I went to Luby’s where I had worked before and had applied recently and spoke to the General Manager. He Hired me and I started on 1/10/2020.

Since this time Cruz has returned home to me and his babies Crissy, Little Bitty, Zailey, Sadie and Stitchy. He doing very well and has since retired from his job with Christus Santa Rosa Children’s Hospital of San Antonio where he has been employed as Medical Laboratory Chemistry Technician for 45 years. I am about to embark on a new position with Qualfon on March 30 because I have found that my body is no longer cut out for the strenuous work involved in the cafeteria back of the house business.

Someone said in a meeting the other day that another person can not keep you sober. While this is true, I can tell you that another person can help just by being there. Since Cruz has been home and even when he was working and was off I do not have those depressive feelings of loneliness and desire to drink or even use. I cannot explain it and no it is not because he can stop me, if I really wanted to I would find a way.

So today I am blessed to have 70 days sober, for the most I part am extremely healthy  and I am looking forward to my new adventure and hopefully writing more as I will be working a stable schedule of M-F 7Am – 4PM.

That’ what’s in My Rattled Cage, thanks for stopping by!!