This post is part of Stream of Consciousness Saturday!!!

Motive, what an interesting word. We all have a motive. Our motive depends on what we want. As an alcoholic and cocaine addict my main motive was how can I get drunk, how can I get high?

You know I’ve written before about my struggles alcoholism cocaine, addiction and how all I got clean and sober for 2 1/2 years. I’ve even written about how I went through a horrible major depression and what I call menopause for a man after I turned 50, even though it really started after I lost my fifth dog in five months.

Motive, why does it have to be such a bitch? Why is it then we when we think we are on the road to where we need to be we find our own motive to screw it up? That is what happened to me in September 2016 when I turned 50. I lost five dogs in the last year in the last eight months, I was denied a raise, I was denied a promotion and I felt like I was nothing – where did motive come in here? On my 50th birthday September 14, 2016 – I did not plan this, yet I went to my old haunts and I drank that crap I drank and  I scored the coke I scored, and yet I did not give a shit.

Today I am five days from my 51st birthday and sometimes I think I am no better today than I was last year. But what I do have today, is a better understanding of my stupid ass stupidity, my ignorant want and need to get drunk and to get high, and to know that today I don’t need that shit!! I’m so blessed with the family who loves me, gets me and understands me and doesn’t care that I’m gay but they do care that I am an alcoholic and a cocaine addict and they only want the best for me. And I have a husband of almost 17 years that while he could’ve said I’m done I’m just done, done, done, we’re still together and we love each other we are in love with each other and we don’t want anyone else and we don’t want either one of us to go. I also have my seven four-legged babies six of them babies one grandbaby who love me and their dada unconditionally.

So you want to know my motive why I stay sober and clean? I stay sober and clean for me, staying sober and clean for my family meaning my sister’s their husbands, my great nieces and nephews and my husband and my dogs and everyone else is just gravy.

I beg you if you are struggling with alcohol or any type of drug addiction find a way to get help whether it is inpatient  or home whether it’s just going to face to face meetings, or better yet there is an online support group www.intherooms.com that has been so instrumental in my recovery this time and before when I had almost 2 1/2 years of being clean and sober.

I love you all and this is what has rattled my cage!!!!!